Rabu, 28 Disember 2016

An Epilogue

There was a great u-turn in my life when I lost something most precious in November seven years ago - my courage, my sacrifices and what  I lived for.  It was the most painful tragedy I had ever endured after a year of battling and struggling to resume a normal life with great hope and confidence. I could not help myself into grieving and mourning until I lost my voice and my eyes were swollen and that the doctor strongly advised me to stop weeping otherwise I would likely to lose my vision. It was months later before I could finally accept the fact that nothing in this world is immortal and forever there to exist in life.

Learning myself to lead the days as ordinary as possible, I carried out my routines at my new ambience where I was relocated a few months after I moved out to the present new home. Life gradually began to change to normalcy as I came to like my new environment. I found freedom being all by myself more exciting although there were times I missed my old days. I kept reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and that I should carry on with my life without it. Lamenting what was lost would only make my life more complicated. I had my privacy and I made my own decisions without misgivings and the feelings of doubt or second thoughts. More importantly I was satisfied with who I was then- independent, happier and financially stabled. At last I was the CEO of my life!

Everything seemed perfect and without fault for seven long years ahead. Until one day in April 2016, I got myself clicked so easily to a hombre from beyond the sea. I thought I had enough sufferings and that enough was enough as I had built a strong wall of defence so high that I made certain no one could ever able to climb it over. However this one chap had managed to break my fortress as easy as falling off the log. I fell and drowned into his words of praise and appreciations. My life wΓ s swayed off course and I was trapped into the webs of uncertainty, hopelessness and expectations once again.  I lost all rationale and considerations and that I began to get inspired to write and spilled my heart out on the paper. I spent every hours, days and weeks  writing and pouring my despairing heart into my journal pages and blog. It was a horrible undescribable feeling when you need someone and that the reality was you couldn't have it. It was worst than facing death itself!

And after much brainstorming and deep thoughts, I realized I had to deal with this stumbling block that was hurdling me the whole year. I wanted to conclude 2016 with a brave act, an epilogue to this melancholy once and for all. No matter how the consequences would be, either I had to swim cross the oceans or soaring the endless blue skies, I had to come face to face with my nightmare - the General from the Cold Mountains!

Jumaat, 23 Disember 2016

Not A Cinderella

She could not inferred her heartfelt feelings currently, at this moment in time.  She wanted to be excited about everything yet at the same time she was in the gloom. She was not thinking about those happy moments that would leave an impression to her, but more to the time when the excitement was finally over.
What would become of her after that? What should she do with her days later on? Would she be going through all over again the unvarying crucifying mental suffering and utter lost of hope, during those time between sunrise and sunset when she was forgotten? Would she have the same fate as Cinderella who was transformed into a beautiful princess overnight,  just to make her dreams came true and a rendezvous was arranged for a few hours with the Prince of her heart, and that the spell would end at the strike of midnight, and she would be back to  her world of reality?  Would her General from the Cold Mountains  be running after her just like the Prince who went all the trouble far across his kingdom, looking for the mysterious princess who had captured his heart? She has nothing to be proud of, not even a glass slipper left on the stairs to mark her existence and that she was real and alive.
Quite often these questions kept crossing into her mind and quite often too she took a deep breath before speaking as she was close to tears. No one knew how worthless she felt during those part of a day when she lost him once. She broke her own heart by loving him. Her obsession was like an incurable cancer. She was trapped in her emotions of unending love. There were times when she hoped that he would be more offensive and ill-mannered to her to push her to the limits and that she would have a good reason not to be such a fool and helped her forget him totally. Yes, she did recall he tried to keep her at a distance, yet she kept clinging because she was not ready to stop thinking about him. She didn't want to give up easily. It was not that she never tried to erase this image, but it was hard. She loved him too much that she forgot about herself. Life seemed lonely without loving him.
Now that she was waiting for the day to finally meet her warrior, she would have to face all the similar consequences.
She wanted to see him for once and for the last time before she would  finally able to let him go forever; before she began to learn to forget him. The limited time spent was just enough and that she would not ask for more - just to be with him and that he promised to give her the happiest moments ever. This encounter would be the most memorable moment in her existence. She would keep these memories locked up secretly at the corner of her heart until the last day of her final breath. 

Rabu, 14 Disember 2016

Stairways To Heaven

The school break has just commenced. She was waiting for this moment to settle an important task. Right then she had no companionship to lend a helping hand, so she just undoubtly boarded a double-decker bus that Monday morning heading towards the metropolis. It was in conjunction with a public holiday and that the journey was rather slow-moving as the highways were heavy. It took her a lousy 12 hours of boring trip to finally reach the 400 km destination which usually could just be done in 6-7 hours. She chose to just travel by road, as air tickets were much too high for a 45-minute's fly especially during the holiday seasons like this.
Two days earlier, it was so stressful for her. She spent hours, re-checking to confirm her online reservations. She went wild and crazy when it was stated 'cancelled' and 'expired' on the screen. How could it be when she was already given the confirmation the day she booked it months ago. She got panicked and that she took a drastic move. Booked another flight! Because a duplicate of the authorization must be attached when applying for the visa as evidence of the travel and that she couldn't afford to jeopardize the whole scheme after all. The first booking problem would be dealt later as all her calls were repeatedly unresponded. Only when the second booking was completely done that the agent issued a reply to all her enquiries. She should have her aviation bookings checked and confirmed with the airlines. Oh dear! She rushed to the airport to have this clarified otherwise it would be another long night for her. What a comfort when she was made clear that her air trip on the stated date and destination were valid and authenticated and that her double booking would be refunded and credited back into her account.
First thing the next morning, she headed to one of the agents authorized by the embassy to submit her application forms. She chose to deal with an agent in a small town nearby her vicinity to avoid the usual long queues at the main centre in the heart of the city. It took her only less than two hours before she was called up to the front desk to have her thumbs and finger prints taken and that the documents were ready to be picked up after three working days. Sighing a deep long breath, she drove off to get a nice breakfast of Roti Canai with curry dressing at a Mamak Restaurant, a 10-minute's drive away, feeling a lot relief and soothing.
However, there was something else that kept haunting her which was giving her the spooks and creeps. She was aware of the recent chaotic situation in the country she was going due to the demonetization of the 86% valuable currency in the country which has ttiggered a severe cash crunch. The country had run out of cash and the masses were taken by surprise overnight. She has been following news of how bad the situation that had befallen the nation. The populations were panicked stricken. Some had reached their limits of coping and lost insanity and that they even took desperate measures. There were reports of strings of death during long serpentine queues at the ATMs and banks, less not cases of dramatic suicides. In fact humanity in this part of the globe was at the edge.
And how could she still have the courage and intentions to let herself be in that tensed environment? She has been quizzing her senses and rationality since the November announcement. Wasn't it just like purposely indulging herself into a big trouble unecessarily? Having thought long enough, she had no choice but to just move forward with the scheme. This unexpected situation could not sway her off course and destroy her rendezvous. Someone was there to assist her and she trusted him more than anything else in the world, hence this well-planned voyage was going to be as scheduled and that the sailing was definite.
She knew if there's a will, there's a way.

Sabtu, 10 Disember 2016

The Chill

The year is at its finale.  The environment is adjusting and reshaping itself  into the extreme weather. The Siberian winds are penetrating its cold,  freezing air into the zones of the Northern Hemisphere.  The climate and vegetation are transforming and adapting their backdrops and domains into the new ambience - trees have long been shedding off their clothes of leaves, standing bare and naked as the drizzle piercing in, bringing with them the bone- chilling flakes of snow. Numb and hypotermic.
December concludes parts of the world with Santas, reindeers, evergreen pines turning into amazingly decorated metaphors, multicoloured lights on rooftops and buildings  and head-breaking year-end festive offers and sales are everywhere.
The time has finally come. She could not afford to delay things anymore. The launching should be smooth sailing. There are still a few critical tasks that needed clarifications and documented. Failing to do so would jeopardize her mission.   "Stick to the plan", as she was reminded. Turning back is futile and pointless now. Her heart stops a beat as the cold December air gushes through her. Uncertain and wondrous.

Sabtu, 3 Disember 2016

Crossroads of Enchantment

Quite often these days she stood for hours looking at the person in the mirror. Ogling deeply at the image wondering how would the turns of event be when they met. Would she only injure her dignity and self respect of having such an unfitting intention?

The person looking back at her in the mirror is now a stranger, so different and totally contrasting from whom she knew a few years back. The reflection seems to have changed a lot physically. She looks as though she has entirely lost hope and confidence of herself. She has lost the battle against nature. There is less enthusiasm in her face expression. Those eyes are now not focused and no longer sparkles. The stares showed years of sufferings and there are lines in her face and she looks ancient. She has bags under her eyes like bags of sand or cement, old and tired but sharp and fierce at the same time, giving the look of those that have shed tears of despair and hopelessness. The branded glass frame she wears could never conceal those eyes, which has grown dull and cloudy as she had seen too much sufferings. Yet her smiles and giggles remain sweet and exciting. People could not easily guess her genuine length of life as she is a small thing, and always stimulating and in good spirit. She looks like a sweet lady full of wisdom and wonderful, with exciting stories and experiences to share. 

All she could think of is, only him. If only she could be sure he would just forget about the pieces of her that she tries to cover up and accept the pieces that she thinks are unattractive, especially the ones she tries to hide,  she would not be at this point of no return, in this entanglement and puzzle. She wants him to want her for all that she is not,  for just the way she is for she will not let a man touch her unless he has completely touched her heart and soul, respects her and doesn't force her to compromise with her values and ethics. Could he be trusted to be just as one?

She's in the hour of decision, in such a dilemma. She wants to distance herself from him, but yet she doesn't want to lose him. She craves him in ways she can't articulate. She longs for his presence to wrap himself around her and flood her fears aside. 

Rabu, 30 November 2016

Let Me Be Your Juliet

Dear Romeo,
If you're going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the mornings just to tell you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and thought-provoking things I say,  and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me,  the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible. 

If you're going to fall in love with me, don't fall in love with my Sunday best, don't fall in love with the way I look after spending hours getting ready or my fakest smile or freshly done hair. Fall in love with my body, the way it widens quite a lot around my hips and how I will never have that perfect figure and how I honestly don't really care. Fall in love with my impatience, my jealous moods and the times that I don't feel anything at all, and fall in love with how sometimes I act like a child whilst other times I can be most mature. Fall in love with my scars, my marks and all the things that make me far less than perfect and fall in love with every part of me, both good and bad, and especially with all that I consider a flaw. Fall in love with me as a whole or don't fall in love with me at all.

With love,

Selasa, 29 November 2016

The Spur

Life is so brief and time is a thief when you're undecided. They say sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places. It's like I'm caught between two versions of myself. The person I used to be and the person I'm scared to become. I feel like I'm looking in the mirror and my reflection doesn't match. I just want to be myself again. Only I'm not sure who that is anymore. Is it the person in the mirror the one I've struggled to be my entire life? Or is this the stranger living inside me?  How do you decide between them?  How do you know which one is really you?  The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride and uncertain. Nothing is guaranteed. You only have two solutions. Run away or participate.

You can be in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. In the blink of an eye, everything can change. You may never have that chance again. When life gives you a chance, take it!  Don't be afraid to make a mistake and never give up, no matter how much faith you've lost. Because life is full of surprises too. 

Forget about all reasons why something may not work, you only need to find one good reason why it will. Break the monotony. Do something strange and extravagant. Adventure may hurt you, but monotony will kill you. Don't let the fear of losing greater than the excitement of winning. Life only comes once,  so do whatever makes you happy, and be with whoever makes you smile. Keep the smile, leave the tension, feel the joy, forget the worry, hold the peace, leave the pain, and always be happy. There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy. Stop looking for reasons to be unhappy. Focus on the things you have and the reasons you should be happy. Because in the end we only regret the chances we didn't take. 

Rabu, 23 November 2016

Perfect in the Imperfections

I am not what I have done. I am what I have overcome. I need not explain why I do what I do now. I need not answer the calls from the past as it has nothing new to say and I have nothing to tell. They were ancient and broken inrecyclable pieces. I've wasted my life long enough; coping and tolerating those episodes. I'm done with my part, my duties and my responsibilities. My attention and my whole life. 

Looking back,  times were difficult but I had managed to sacrifice almost everything for them - money, time and  energy, nothing less for them. I did not want to make them feel inadequate. They were my sole focus. I threw myself into this responsibility, to the point that I had become unaware of the fact that I need to spend time for myself too. Time passed and life gradually became easier for me. But it's like waiting around for something you know might never happen. Yet you know that it's harder to face the fact that all this while, a change is what you have wanted for a long time. 

Now it's time for me to think of myself. It won't be too late, I suppose. I need a change of environment, a breather; so that my senses would be kept alive. These past years have not dulled my senses, but this monotony is killing me, I could feel it.  I have almost grown morbid, I have not lost my will power, but I crave to get away from it all; from this monotony. I really feel that the time has come for me to do something for myself. Yes, it's about time.

I might have fallen in love with the most wrong person, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons,  but people who never walk in my shoes will never understand my reasons, not even me, myself. I need not explain myself unless there is a critical need.  There comes a time when I have to be stoic and stubborn, all for my own good reasons. I don't blame them for their judgement, they could do no harm to me except gap and wonder. I just have to bear in my mind that I am the only one who will shoulder the consequences for the choices I make, not them. And at the end of the day, I am a good person. I am not perfect by any means but my intentions are good, my heart is pure and I love hard with everything I have got and because of those things, I am worth it.
He has conquered my heart and he has made me think only of him. But he is so unreachable. I will be cursed to have him loved me.  There were moments that I thought of us eloping to the land of the Never Never.  It did cross my mind that we should throw caution to the winds,  that for one moment in timeless Land of The Never Never, that we would irrevocably discard all the rules that were meant to be broken and run away together to some secret hiding place so that we might realise our dreams and taste, yet the tears of joy upon our tongues. That would be the happiest moment in our lives. We were meant to make our dreams happen but might we be daring enough to take up the challenge of our own follies? Our promises were not meant to be broken but dare we go against our own vows? O God, have mercy!  I'm suffocating.

Sabtu, 19 November 2016

Unbreak My Heart

I have to be pleased and give in to whatever I gain and come into and that I should not be possessive. There were no vows, promises nor oaths to whatever,  and that I should not bargain for more than just what I was designated. Make no move and just let the nature takes its course. I should know my limits and boundaries and that being grateful is what I should be. Yes, of course I am extremely indebted and thankful for the good turns. I thank you for the little chats and concerns. I really treasured and valued those little whiles. 

However, the truth is some people they don't love us. They don't even care about us. They just want to stay connected. So they do the minimal. A little phone call here and there, just checking on us. What they are really doing is maintaining the connection so when they need you or want you, they still have a  way in.  But bear in mind that every time you take her for granted, you're just teaching her how to live without you. Be careful how far you push her away, coz she could end up liking it there.

Sometimes walking away is the only option. Not because you want to make someone miss you or realize they took you for granted, but because you finally respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better.  When your absence doesn't alter their life, then your presence has no meaning in it. Don't trust everything you see... even salt looks like sugar.
I know I'm not perfect. Not compatible and was so wrong to get attached to anyone. Worst still, if you fall with the wrong person, for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time.  You know you never plan to get trapped in this game but when you said you love someone, you really mean it and will do anything to keep it. You're faithful and you're loyal.  All you wanted was an effort to show the part to let you know that you're wanted and not just being taken for granted. If you couldn't do it, that's when it became 'The End".

Isnin, 14 November 2016

My Tango

We chatted and expressed our feelings and ideas now, more often than not, and that he left me less lonely and gloomy. I could go through my day- to-day routines and habits in good spirits and moods.  In the evenings, I went out loitering at my chosen spots, but it is not too frequent now. My most-liked place is the mini cafe at the east entrance of the Aeon Mall. I accommodated myself on the usual best favoured stool at the long wooden bench, either scrolling and surfing the net or just taking out my notebook which I always have with me in my bag, and wrote something, whatever crossed my mind, like the one I'm writing now.
I was accustomed to the female cafe barristers  and that they often gave me polite words as a sign of welcome and recognition the moment they saw me advancing towards them.
"Welcome again, Madam" they greeted and grinned like a Cheshire cat. I ordered a cup of coffee as usual and just before I entered the corner, I bought myself a piece of fresh baked croissant at the bakery next to it. I liked this spot as it was not packed or full to bursting and was allocated with a little privacy, just nice for a tete-a-tete and lepakking. I lingered and lodged there for as long as I desired. 
Having seated comfortably , I began to jot down. He was always there in my mind and heart, never a second he wasn't there. He was my inspiration, my vision. People may wonder and marvel what had made me ever so damn hounded and taken over by this name.  I would say nothing. Because it is my essence, my personality!
When I love or like someone, nothing or no one could say about that, which would affect the opinions of what I hold in. Once I have made up my mind, I am fixed in my opinions, thoughts and beliefs,  worry not about rumours, naysayers or poison pens.  I trust my instincts and give great attention to details, planning and imagining my future while thoroughly enjoying the mindfulness of the present. Of course I do love to be courted, pursued and wooed like the others. As long as one take good care of me, I will take good care of one. I maybe slow in making a decision but once I am firmed and it will be difficult to change the path I have chosen.
I love to enjoy music and I have the ability to sometimes tune-in to my partner's needs, wishes and moment's desires.
I'm rather quiet but easy going. I respond extremely well to anyone who can capture my heart and make me feel secure and comfortable and he happens to have that kind of know-how. It may take quite sometime before I open up and blossom with sex, but the wait is worth it, especially when I am deeply in love - what I do, I do well, really well and I got better with time. I could be boasting a bit.
I can become possessive in love without a little deep heartfelt communication. I like to share feelings and I expect a lot from my partner - communication will be important to me throughout the relationship. I may be a bit demanding, perhaps try to share the thoughts, ideas and needs with me. I find value in communication. Frankly I am extremely generous. If there is something that he needs, and he let me know, I will bend over backwards to make it happen. I don't get angry easily, but when I do, I just become silent and cold, giving you the subtle hints at first, and then when the right moment comes, I will erupt like a volcano spewing hot rage and you will never want to be in my line of fire. And that only happens at desperate measures once in a blue moon, sometimes never at all.
I find him a compatible partner. He draws me out of my shell emotionally. The chemistry between him and me is strong, making an exceptionally satisfying. We might be slow to get things going and that we were once close to breaking off,  but our relationship develops, and we expect a long and happy connection together. We both don't know how long this attachment and coupling would last but all we know is that there is a great bond and correspondence between both of us and that we would like to keep it this way as long as it takes. When the time comes for us to let go, we will accept the fact that our roads taken have finally come to a dead end. Hopefully it would not happen so soon and painfully. ❤

Selasa, 8 November 2016

The Fog

It is a matter of time and no big deal. Nothing is stopping her. All is left is to hold her horses, and sit tight for the lay out hour. She has just have to pack her bags, grib the tickets and chao!  As easy as ABC. He would be there to greet and welcome her. There should be no hassle or displaying unnecessary commotion about it and no big fuss! Verily, she herself is overwhelmed by the whole thing.

She inhales deeply and puffs out all the air out of her lungs.  Deep inside her, she is having this little hunch of uneasiness and restless in her bones.  There is something else that is weighing her down. When it flashes into her conscience, pretty damn quick and at once she becomes undecided and in the balance.

She is convinced and firmed that she would not be given a red carpet welcome and a heartening embrace or appreciation.  She is a divergent, dissimilar and poles apart in the real world, in realism. and that he would be taken aback and dissapointed when they meet. He would not be able to entertain her as he should. Then what would happen next? Surely it would be a long and horrible position - a hell for both of them especially she. The ambarassment, the humiliation and discomfort would be unbearable and intolerable.

As for now she isn't sure what was his judgement and expectations upon her. She couldn't tell.  She is too afraid to ask. He never ever discloses a hint. He is young and good looking; a total contrast to her. How would he react after knowing the truth when she appears personally? Taking another deep breath, she is left speechless, shouldering the unanswered wonders. As the time is ticking, she has not reached her verdict.

Ahad, 6 November 2016

Body, Heart and Soul...

What is this between them?  They don’t know. But this is their night. They are safe there. She had been dreaming and wanting to touch this strong, hard, man’s body with her fingers. Now that she could and she made the most of her opportunity. She was like in a million miles away from reality. That night was their first night together. The night when every authenticity would be revealed, be brought to light. For the first time she would let him ogle her whole being for real. He would see for himself what she is and how she really looked like for certain. A desire and need that went well beyond her knowledge was building up inside her.  One spark of encouragement from him and she would be full of burn.

He held still while she explored him. He let her unbuttoned him. His body warm and smelled good. She ran her finger tips on his face and neck, chest and a hardened nipple. His moan of delight told her she has only pleasured him. She saw his chest once on images he sent her when he detected a yellow circle of discoloration on both his chest and that he was psychologically disturbed by it.  She recalled gazing at those images for days and she was counting the moments to sleep on it. He did not push her away and she continued to explore the shape of his chest with her lips. She took a deep breath, the movement raising.

He took her hand and led her to the bed. He helped her undress, as she did to him too, and she was all bare and naked. She felt a gush of cold shivers as he examined her contours with his manly fingers. Her breasts swelling as he suckled them lovingly. An odd, heated tingling starting deep within the most secret part of herself. Her breath was hard and fast. The pleasure was so intense she fell, backward onto the mattress. He followed as she lay naked beneath him. Wrapping herself around his body, she gave in to the intensity.

She wanted him to know every part of her body and soul. He learned her contours with his hands and his mouth against her skin as he made her writhe with wonderful sensations. Her hands fluttered over his bare back. She halted at the waistband of his trousers. He stopped for a moment and unzipped his pants and returned to her, he was as naked as she. Her hands brushed his hardness and his breath hissed through his teeth. He was so swollen.

‘Touch me,’ he murmured. So she did. She touched him gently and he was swollen hard. When he suckled her breast, her entire body went rigid, falling apart in his arms as he stroked her and kissed her. He raised his body over hers, and probed at her throbbing passage. Her body arched, accepting him, wanting him even deeper, to be as close to him as possible. How many nights had she dreamed of this? She had lost count.  She opened for him. He slid inside and they became one. His body surged forward moving in and out of hers, faster and faster. Arms and legs wrapped around him securely, she gave herself over to the delicious feelings only this man could create inside her.  Soon she'd have to think about consequences and the future. But not now.  Right now all she wanted was to feel and to appreciate.

He pushed into her more deeply, held very still, and a surge and pulse inside made her cry out as her own release washed over her. She closed her eyes and let the earth and its problems fall away.  She was panting and glistering in the arms of her one and only lover. Everything was perfection. Never in a thousand years would she have thought she would be in his arms like this. There had been a lot of questions she wanted to know about him but she had told him very little about herself either. What was going on in that handsome head of his? She did not know how long they lay there, one body, one heart and soul. One name. She never wanted to let him go. He moved away, pulling her close and wrapping himself about her. Then with the steady, soothing sound of his breath at her ear, she fell asleep holding his hand.

Those nights had been all heat, no awkwardness, and full of spectacular pleasure beyond her knowledge. This man, Uzarseef, continued to awe and fascinate her.

Sabtu, 5 November 2016

The Myth of Candour

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Honestly I don’t have the confidence. I don’t really have the trust either. What I justly am very definite is my emotional state. I adored this one name very deeply – simply untainted love and nothing else in between, no whys and wherefores of any kind, only man-to-man and without beating about the bush. And that I did not even design to be in this circumstance either. I fell for him instantaneously for what he is as a mortal.
Not once had I confronted with this person and I could tally the number of whiles we ever chatted. I could certainly not get his face mask expressions to ascertain whether his language was the truth or a simple white lie. I just loved him bluntly and genuinely from the bottom of my heart. 
I never ever undisclosed of how I sensed, what I reflected and what I expected from him. It had never been a tall tale. And he was responsive to it. Never once as I recalled, he turned his back on me or ever he articulated despising me and that I was only building castles in the air. It had been many full-moons since we've been hot and heavy. He gave me the impression that he was in this game, so I took it for granted that he did have some likings and fondness upon me and that I allegedly accepted it as not a one-sided affair which made me kept clinging to him until now, even though many times I was caught in between a tale and a truth. I was obsessed, so lustful and erotic that I could not afford to let him unattached, denying my own waking senses. I am a stubborn person. Being stubborn really just means I am unwilling to compromise on the things I find important to me. When I care for someone, I am dedicated to them and I may treat them a bit like my prized possession- my lucky romantic partner. I will standby for them forever. I am sensitive but I never hold grudges.
I am a similarity to this nice line said by a broken heart, ‘Please don’t come one more time in front of me, otherwise I’ll trust you again…’  I’m much too honest and forgiving and merciful to people I care. How could I not be?  It is my sweet-natured - my persona and uniqueness and that quite often and many times in my life, people took advantage of my oddity.
I have always had this feeling of surprise mingling in my mind that, why some people they were not heroic enough to express and uncloak their truth. Keeping or telling one’s true hunch and stance is either way, painful and throbbing,  but it is better to kill it in one shot then to murder someone in slow death. Be bold and speak up the truth. Stop masquerading!

Jumaat, 4 November 2016

The Sensuous Encounter

It was all in her imaginations. All that she wanted to do to him when they met. She still couldn’t believe she had actually come to him. She was having a hard time falling asleep the night before the big day. She would take the midday flight from her hometown to the capital city before boarding the next airship heading west. She was counting every tick of the seconds throughout the five-hour journey.

Expecting he gave her the astonished look, she was thrilled it had the opposite effect. He smiled briefly, walking through the crowds towards her. Breathless, her heart thudding against her chest. She watched his long strides take him swiftly towards her.  The expression on his face made her suddenly uncertain. He had seemed like such a gentleman. Had she misjudged him? Inhaling deeply to gain her confidence, she dragged her half-full suitcase, and quickened her pace towards him. She was filled with nervousness and doubts. But she brave herself and acted that she was just okay. Their eyes met and he threw her a smile - the prettiest smile she had ever seen. He was tall, with a pair of gorgeous eyes and the stare was so intense and there’s a little bit of devil in those eyes. Chest tight with emotions and feelings she could barely comprehend. Her heart fluttered so hard that she felt it could burst and stop beating.

‘Hi… !’  his familiar hoarse voice broke the ice, while he held out his hand for a shake. She gave a soft reply she knew he barely heard. Her breath hitched at the explosion of feeling and thought thrumming through her. He looked so dominant, so beautiful, like he was created specifically for seduction. Holding out her hand to accept the shake and that their skins touched for the first time. Blood gushing through her veins giving her the uneasy sense of tremendous desires. It felt as if all the air had been suddenly sucked out of her chest. 
She felt a rush of heat climbed her neck and bathed her cheeks, and she paused a while, overcome by the fluttery feeling in her stomach. She pulled him closer and hugged him so tightly , her arms wrapped around his body for a second, 'This is me...Please don't hate me.. ' and she tilted her head to look up at him and gave him a deep kiss on his cheeks. She was aware that he could sense the pounding of her heart on his chest. He was warm and human after all.  Her lips trembled for a second before she finally put on a smile. Words failed her and she was speechless. She shivered, surprised and ashamed at the way her body reacted to him. But her mind battled between what was right and what felt wonderful.
Once they had gotten over their awkwardness, helping her with the luggage bag, he ushered her out of the crowded hall and hailed a taxi to take her to their love nest. 

The Verdict

It was gloomy and dull the whole morning. The sun was hidden behind the cloudy grey streaks for days. Rain was coming. The drenching that had been threatening for days was finally on its way. And the humidity would be a thousand times worse. The overflow is raiding the low-lying regions very soon. The tapping sounds of the raindrops played their part as a warning sign that the once a year bucketing was coming and that she had to be well-prepared to face the unvarying disaster.
She woke up as usual but it was cold and damp so she skipped her morning bath today which she hardly ever missed.  After undertaking her daily mission of  a bit of this and that, she brewed some coffee and buttered two slices of Gardenia bread with a little honey she bought a few days ago. A small bottle of pure, bitter sweet imported produce that cost her a fortune. Usually she stormed off to the coffee stall a stone’s throw away for her morning bite but today the grey sky and the dreary climate made her want to just have a homemade brunette and dough.
She laid her eyes on the piles of papers on the table on her left, as she walked into the living area. The scripts were left untouched for days. She made an effort to mark at the most five scripts and shortly after that she halted as she had lost her temper. She left them scattered all over her writing desk. Whenever they caught her eyes or crossed her mind, she just passed over, took a deep breath and meandered away. She had lost her frame of mind and the clock was ticking. The due date was the coming week, but she was optimistic that she could make it on time. She had always have the habit of pushing herself to carry out tasks at the nick of time. 
By some means she was sensible that currently she has lost concentration and attentiveness around her. She appeared to be pensive and preoccupied. She spent most of her time questioning her own reasonableness and wisdom. She was about to take an immense deed in her life and that was what fretting her. She had made all the crucial safety measures and groundings but deep inside her hidden mind, she was still ambiguous. She spent hours ogling and gazing at 'the woman in question' in the mirror demanding to look for answers to her indecisions and hesitancies, cross-examining 'this woman' with numerous secretive interrogations. ‘Am I doing the right thing?’  This was the habitual one-sided request harassing her humanity day and night. Her soul was screaming to let her go but there was a war going on between her mind and her heart which spoke different languages. The Mind, The Heart and The Soul were fighting for determinations at their peak and  it was granted that the concluding decision would only be confirmed a week before the launch of the airship at 1900 hours on the Fifth Day of the Aquarius Zodiac Date of Birth. And that she had to hold her fire and throw cautions to the wind.

Khamis, 3 November 2016

Torrentials In Paradise

It was continuously raining the whole week that November. The drains overflowed within an hour. She was all by herself and she was in a hot stew, anxious and uneasy. Looking outside once in every hour to watch for the rising water levels. But when the torrents quiet down, the water seemed to subside. She recalled some locals had confidently informed her that from their past experience, the water was not too high and that the residents in the housing area would not have to decamp their homes. But still she was troubled. The rain kept pouring heavily into the silent night. 

She was startled and awaken by the beeping of her phone.  It was 3 in the morning,  she picked up the call and a concerned male voice was heard on the line.  He was the neighbour alerting her of the rising water. She jumped out of bed and rushed out of the room to the main door.  Quickly unlocking the door, she was staggered at the sight of the rain water. It had risen to more than two feet and had submerged the car tyres. Grabbing the  car keys without hesistation, she jumped down the steps and started on the engine and reversed out of the gate in the deep water and cornered left, taking a short-cut route through a narrow path that led to the main road. She couldn't imagine how she had driven the vehicle out of the flooded area alone in the darkest of night with the rain pouring heavily followed by flashes of lightning and clappings of deafening thunders breaking the silence of the twilight. There was water everywhere. She chanted all the way out, reciting whatever quranic verses that came across her mind. The engine almost stopped and the headlights went dim suddenly, as the path she took was also full of water and was much deeper as she drove on. However she managed to get through unharmed.

As she had safely parked the car at the side of the main road on the higher ground, she had to walk back to the house wading in the water through the black night, guided only by the flashes of lightning. She was totally drenched in her pyjamas.  She didn't even think of taking with her the raincoat and the torchlight in the kitchen drawer. She could only think of saving the car before the water rose even higher and submerging the engine. That would be a total lost. Never had she thought she would go through this in her life.  It was indeed an unforgettable experience in her existence. 

She was dumbstruck and lost for words. She had nothing to say to herself. She went numbed and blanked. She didn't even want to think of being regretful for her carelessness and that she had overlooked the physical features of the land site before she bought the house. Lamenting it was then useless. She had to live with it. 

Cleaning herself up in the washroom and suddenly teardrops went drizzling down her cheeks unnoticed. She just let it flow as much as the shower fell onto her cold shivering body. Later she snuggled quietly into her warm blanket with an empty mind, forcing herself to sleep for a few hours before morning came. Outside, the pours never stopped, the lightning kept flashing, the rumblings of angry thunders roared endlessly. She fell in deep slumber with tears that never want to stop pouring either. 

Rabu, 2 November 2016

Rhythm of The Falling Rain

It is November now and the monsoon season is on its journey. The North-East monsoon winds are now blowing towards the Peninsula Malaysia, bringing along its heavy rains and thunderstorms to the east coast regions. The days are gloomy and dull.  Afternoons are dark and windy and rain falls almost every night. The air is frequently wet and damp. My emotions seemed to be saddened by the climate.
Before I moved to Taman Lagenda Paradise, as the name given to this neighborhood, I was never watchful on the meteorological condition this much as of now. My previous home was on a higher ground so nothing gave us a hoot or badgering us as we were unaltered by the monsoon torrents. Instead we were always looking forward to the rainy season as it was fun watching the muddy river water swiftly overflowing and running down towards the estuaries. The village folks and children flocked together at the river bank gaping at the high water scenery. It was like more of an annual fiesta than a catastrophe to them. Even the typically affected victims were not dismayed by the occurrence although they had to evacuate and decamped from their homes to the relief centres.
Now that my recent home laid on a low-lying zone,  the wet season became a disturbance to me. When I first came to look over for the house on sale,  I had overlooked the topography of this quarter. It was when I came for a return visit to check out the construction progress that I became aware of the fact that it was in a flood zone. It was during the rainy month of November, when I came for inspection, I picked out that there was water all around. I was taken by surprise.  I had made a big bad judgement. I could only blame no one but myself for I had no reference at that time before making the commitment on the house purchase.  I was in a very crucial position and that I had only myself to rely on. And there was nothing I could do about it any longer as I had signed the agreement papers and the loans had already on its way of approval. There was no fallbacks but to look at the positive side - the cost was reasonable and affordable.
It was just a small 1300 square feet brick house, with four rooms, a kitchen,  a dining corner and a perfect living space. The compound was broad and the backyard was spacious too, just perfect for a little gardening patch. But so far I had not grown any herbs or veggies as I was not a green finger. I had only two pine trees planted in the compound. The lawn was left for the grass to grow and later mowed neatly. I liked better the landscape that way - green and simple.  I had a craze on birdhouses that I persuaded a friend teacher, to build me a small birdhouse to be anchored in my lawn. At first it was to woo small wild birds from the bushes nearby but was left uninhabitable till now. It then served as an only outdoor decor. It looked satisfying to me though - a bit of an English style I joked
I did a little renovation to the smallest room next to the kitchen to give way for more space for the dining table as the kitchen place was too mini and cramped. The supposed-to-be dining area was turned into a family section where I watched television or for afternoon naps precinct, also just perfect for a 3-seater sofa, a 6x4-feet carpet and a 42-inches Panasonic LCD.

I liked IKEA products so much that every time I went to the capital,  I never missed spending my time at the IKEA showroom in Damansara and that I bought a set of shelving units for the TV area. I filled the shelves with white baskets filled with story books which I owned lots of them. I was crazy over story books since I was a school girl and that I had piles of them in store. Most of the interior decorations were from IKEA- frames, watches and other tiny decorative items.  I recalled I had to pay a charge of RM400 just to take home two wooden birch shelves on a flight which doubled the price of the items themselves! Then later on, I found a more convenient way of transporting those products to Kota Bharu through the KTM train courier service.  I saved a lot.
I decorated my little home in the English countryhome style and that some of my friends said I was a little bit of a western orientated. The frames on my walls had pictures and images which looked western - cabins, meadows, autumn scenery, lighthouses and birdhouses. I did not favour displaying glassware and ornaments in big thick-glassed cupboards as most Malay houses do. I liked to display books as my wall decorations. I used to buy imported magazines on house decorating and that I noticed these Westerners had galleries of books on their walls and they looked like a small library - so studios and colorful.  It gave an aura of intelligently professional look and inviting. I became aware that if you went into a room full of books, even without taking them from the shelves they seemed to speak to you, to bid you welcome. Hence, I'd rather choose to exhibit my collections of novels on my walls to greet and welcome the guests into my cottage.
It was cloudy and raining outside. I spent most of my time indoors during the wet season,  drinking coffee, eating snacks and watching movies.  And now that my passion on writing had come back,  I wrote for a couple of hours before my ideas drained out.  I could only write when I had a situation or when I was a bit dull and emotional. I had not written anything for a couple of days now as I had to focus on marking the scripts.  I had been slowing down in the process as my mind seemed to be drifting away to nowhere plus the dowry weather outside which made me dreamy and unfocused.  I had dozens of unmarked scripts and  I planned to deal with them at the eleventh hour. I had ample time and that did not brood me at all.
I missed someone faraway really. I was expecting too much from him and that I sometimes felt being ousted and abandoned which was untrue I supposed. " Not yet. Not too soon.....at least after those modus vivendi". As I reassured myself all the time. Our rendezvous was not until late January and the time seemed to move at a snail's pace.  I was tired of waiting. I felt quite stressful and so much anxieties and that I had a mild headache quite often. I should have a lot of rest and not to overthink, the doctor at the 1Malaysia Clinic told me when I dropped by for a check-up. I took her advice seriously and that I should be watchful with my diet and lifestyle.  I was aware that a few months lately I was emotionally disturbed but I am in one good piece now and that I am grateful to Allah The Merciful, The Compassionate. Please spare me a little more time.  I have someone I want to make an acquaintance of before my days are over.
Grant me O Allah. Ameen. πŸ˜”πŸ˜”

Jumaat, 28 Oktober 2016

Bury The Hatchet

She had lost all expectation in him. She had moved heaven and earth to forget him.  She occupied most of her afternoons writing in her instagram and blog. She hadn't written anything since 2011 and suddenly she had millions of things to write about.

It was right when she spoke she could only compose when she was temperamental. She wrote her heart out - every tiny sentiment, passion and emotions, her agonies and her unbearable pains. She exerted herself to block him out of her senses.  She found no reasons and excuse to keep in touch with him any longer at this time. After that one desperate call, she one more time,  stubbornly tried her karma and checked on him on one ocassion,  but as predicted,  he would not retaliate or make an easy, smooth sailing respond.

From then on, she began to drill herself hard to turn a blind eye to his existence. All she wanted was to erase and delete him entirely  from her life history. Oh, too bad,  no matter how hard she made an effort, his shadowy ghost, kept haunting her, poignant and evocative.  She gave her best shot to divert herself by going for breakneck drives and forcing herself stayed up in front of the idiot box till late hours.  She did her damnedest act, by making friends with the others abundantly found on the social websites in the intentions of drawing him away from her mind completely. But it went on a blink, unsuccessful. They were no match for him. Her stubborn heart never wanted to surrender and that it still longed for him. It really was killing her softly. She didn't know what to do with herself. She was obsessed and bewitched by this particular young man.

Even so, she had befriended this one gentleman, also his countryman, from the capital town of his valley. A nice chap who managed a travel agent business. When she joked that she was making plans to visit his cold country in autumn the following year with a bunch of her friends, he emailed her the full details of the trip itinerary and that he would arranged himself as the tour guide with a special rate discount.  He made it clear that the cost would be less expensive if she came in bigger groups.  He was very cooperative and could bear with her every silly questions she asked.

She told him that she had someone she knew from one of the districts there and she asked for his favour if he could take her to that place to look for her lover if her September trip became a reality. He assured her confidently that it was not a big problem.  He would assist her to get to the address. She laughed herself out when the travel agent took her idea humorlessly and that her skillful act was a success. She was actually misleading him and that she would not really go looking for him even if she was there for real. She was still under control although she appeared to be so desperate.  It was an insanity to do such an act.  She was merely fantasizing.

Then, to her surprise,  one fine day, she received a text from him confirming that he was then in the capital city at his relative's. She was thankful that he had finally back to the comfort zone and that she would not to be worried about his safety anymore.  She could sense the difference in his attitude. He was more frank, communicative and approachable. He was more sharing and that she was made aware of his whereabouts and well-being. They both became quite attached from day to day. She was overwhelmed with the change in him. As days went by,  she began to think about fleeing to meet up and came face to face with him for once in her lifetime.

Rabu, 26 Oktober 2016

The Rendezvous

It would be on Wednesday, the twenty-fifth day of the first month the following year. They had their rendezvous all well-planned. She had everything ready; the passport, the visa and the pre-booked tickets, also a 5-day leave application. The day of the departure was on a school day but she would be at work only for a couple of hours. She was to board on a short 45-minutes' fly, heading to the capital's international airport from her hometown terminal just after midday. At precisely 1900 hours, she would be on the next D17182 aircraft to her ultimate journey's end.

She had to call off the previously booked 3 o'clock flight to an earlier schedule as she had overlooked the odds and unusual when she made the reservation in the first place. Supposing that the 1500-hour flight was delayed, she would be in great trouble. She would either be in a rush or faced the worst.  She would miss the plane. She would not want to jeopardize her voyage at all and the itinerary for the great travel had to be altered.

And he would have to call off all his appointments on those dates to make way for the rendezvous and was made to vow to be there to receive her right on time when she touched down. He had been clearly informed on the details of her journey and that he garaunteed that there would not be any shortcomings.  She had no one else but him out there. That strange, unfamiliar planet was new and foreign to her.
This togetherness would be the most remembered date of the century of their lives. She was expecting to be treated nicely and warmly despite every authenticity that would be made known and brought to light.  He had only viewed her through images and only talked on the phone. He had that sweet hoarse voice with a thick influence of the mother tongue. Even so, she loved his utterances and was always touched by his words and that made her feel more confident about the whole lot. Though she was still doubtful about her clandestine escapade but his words were her inspirations. "Have faith in me", he strongly assured her to gain her confidence.
The days looked to be crawling and she was so dying to look into his romantic brown eyes, those stares that melted her heart every time she scrutinized his snapshots on her screen. She imagined how her heart would beat fast the moment she  knew his figure by sight and spotted him standing, looking straight at her from the distance at the arrival hall.  And she herself, could easily be distinguished among the giants as she was just a dwarf.  What would be his reactions?  That gave her the creeps, the goose bumps.

Selasa, 25 Oktober 2016

Passion Masquerade

It was a week before Eid. She opened a box containing an item which she kept hidden in the drawer for so long. It was intended to replace the worthless souvenir previously sent which she took on board when she joined a trip to the neighbouring state, but it turned out to be flabby and loose for his size and that she took a new effort to get a fresh one for a spare. However she kept delaying sending it, as she was conscious he was giving the impression that he took no more interest in her.
Be that as it may,  she stubbornly decided to courier the package as an Eid gift, because after all it was meant for him in the first place. No accompanying messages, nor notes or whatsoever, only 'Jane Doe’ written on the courier form as the sender as she was too afraid to say anything anymore. It was supposedly reached him on the eve of the big day. Then she came across his status on the social media, declaring that he was not available for seven consecutive days and would not be rejoicing Eid at home. Reading-through a few remarks on his wall, she discovered that he had journeyed to another state, Haryana, for his an interview. It was not a maiden's name as she thought at first, it was referred to a place.  After much thought, she dared herself and threw him a note informing him of the bundle she posted. She sensed his cold, unfriendly manner, saying that he was not in the condition of checking mails. 
She was deeply upset and agitated by the reply. There was no warmth in him as if he wished to be left alone and didn’t need to have any more links with her and that she felt she was trespassing his privacy. She was in the wrong, so she took it as a hint which she deserved and that she should have long learnt her lessons. She should stop being clingy and she spoke no more after that. A fortnight passed by, the gift was left untraceable and unappreciated.

One afternoon, she was troubled by a news. An upheavel erupted in his valley. His people's combative hero was shot dead in a retaliation with the Army forces. She still never gave up hope and constantly glancing ridiculously at  her phone screen expecting some news from him. Weeks passed and she was restless. She could no longer tolerate the unsureness. Once more she faced herself to just ignore her ego, her self respect.  She had to call him up when all her messages were left unattended. Her first attempt was unsuccessful. She tried the second time and there was someone over the line. It was him. She was so relief. Hearing his voice after such a long silence was something inexpressible. The few seconds on the line was just enough to make her a day. The connection was weak and that she had a hard time to comprehend his thick accent but she knew he was with his family. Safe and sound. 
'I love you…’ she uttered shakily, before she ended the call and she overheard him echoed at the end of the line, ‘ I love you, too’. Those were beautiful words spoken spontaneously but that had not made her feel contented totally.  It was no better than a masquerade, a passion in desperation, yet it was just enough to ease the bleeds of her wounds.

Isnin, 24 Oktober 2016

The Protagonist

I read his message on my screen. It was a response to my latest blog writing I sent him.  As always he was the first special mortal I shared my writings with. His reactions were always short and precise and straight to the point. Sometimes it was not worth the wait.  But at least he put an effort. I was thankful to that. 
When I read his texts the second time,  I felt awkward and there came a sense of guilt deep in me. It left me pondering for a minute. I grabbed hold of my sketches and flipped open a few pages. Then I read his notes again. "You always show me villian in your writings" His words disturbed me a little this time.  I was aware that there were some truth in it. 
For the first time he allowed me to read his mind and for the first time I felt pity on him and that I owed him an apology. I did not deny I had been punishing him harsh in my decrees. I put all my anguishes and torments on the persona. I held him responsible for all the sufferings I endured. After dozens of posts I published and shared, at last he was moved by my story. He knew he was the young man I was rambling about all the time.  I thought he would never care about anything I said. He was not the senseless, rotten-hearted General from the cold mountains after all. 
But when I crisscrossed the transcripts, I thought he was a bit incorrect with his accusations. I did not characterize him as a deceiver or a con-man in my plot. I was more on conveying my mental state, my assumptions in the conditions and settings I was in. I was picturing my side of the story, only that I overlooked his views and what he had to give or take to all these goings-on. And how could I know when all the time he kept himself at a distance,  so introvert, so silent all the way through. Not a soul could. Unless she was the Wizard of Oz. πŸ˜€πŸ’«
My dear,  I am so sorry for being cruel and inconsiderate.  Not in my life that I would put a hate on you, otherwise I would not be looking forward to the coming date we fixed and when we come face to face, I wish to delete all the bad views and sentiment I had upon you and that I would want you to warmly receive me as what I am the day I landed onto your territory. And I'm going to hug you so tight that all my broken pieces will stick back together. Hopefully the short time I have is to get to know the hero of my stories better so that in my future anecdotes, he would be described as the protagonist. Please accept my apology. I ❤ you. 

Ahad, 23 Oktober 2016

Crime of Passion

Day to day she tried to convince her ridiculous thoughts to acknowledge the fact that the young man whom she was on tenterhooks,  was undeniably not doomed for her. Her devotions was a misconduct - a crime! He was a complete foreigner, an alien, existing thousands of miles away, and it was a mission impossible for both of them to be brought back together. The windfalls were not heading her way. 
A couple of times she had this nightmare. A beautiful one. A dream full of hopes and excitement. She fantasized of running away from home with the man she loved to a secret place where they could fall in love again but she only ended waking up feeling more troubled by the fantasy. It was just a game in her dreams. Haunted by the wonders, she imagined how nice it would be if it was as simple as that - pack her bags and go! 
She was okay for some days and on some other times she was impassable. The devotions and anticipations still exist in her.  She would not want to let him go. She was craving for the day when the young man would at least send her some verses. She was waiting for just a simple ‘Hi’ and that would reduce the suffering. ‘How could he be so cruel?’ and she broke down into deep silent weeps at the corner of her chamber.
She hoped that one day he would realize she did truthfully care for him and that he was going to miss her being there for him. She might have been worthless to him now but one of these days he would look back and wished things could be different. She might have erased his texts but she would never forget what he wrote. They might have stopped talking but she would never forget his voice. Anything they did she would never forget. One day this pain would make sense to him. If he was late, he would only have a memory to hug because she would not be there anymore. Those were all in her thoughts, in her sobs, in her monologue.                   
She spent the whole month in an altered frame of mind. There was no excitement. She was at her sister’s more often than usual because she had lost her appetite and that she thought her sister’s excellent cooking could help her in the food taking during iftar.
Her body and soul were clearly affected physically and emotionally by her state of affairs. She missed him so badly. Her fragile being could no longer withstand the torture and she couldn’t believe that she had drastically lost so much weight. Not a day that she forgot the man. Her love never seemed to recede. She spent her days in seclusion, praying and hoping to nothingness.

Sabtu, 22 Oktober 2016

The Great Move

At last he made up his mind to move away and be gone from there to put an end to the agony of waiting, the denials and the disclaimer. Once more, I was fenced in the same worried feelings, the similar butterflies in my stomach I had before, when he ditched me last summer.  Every time he made a move,  it gave me the jitters as if I was going to expire and getting closer to death. There was nothing I could do to stop him because that was what he had to do and should be done without further a due. Only that at this time he was being honest. He was not going to get invincible and galloped off into the darkness unexplained. He was moving thousands of miles south to the bottom tip of the continent. He was drifting further away from me and soon it would be too remote and untraceable. He would be hidden in the horizon among the clouds and that very moment I would have to let him go for good. Just so,  I am looking forward to grow my wings and fly, as I am now in no more doubts. If I don't come, I would be lamenting myself for as long as I live. The January rendezvous is going to be a reality. I am coming to you. ❤πŸ’‹

Khamis, 20 Oktober 2016

Please Be Saved...

He was on his own in that big city. Practically day to day occupying his hours in the library, devoting time and attention acquiring knowledge. It took my breath away by his willpower to pursue his dreams. Many times he was disqualified and denied for an admission, but that never distracted him not to try again, even if he had to travel the length and breadth as far as world's end. However, the sudden news he delivered troubled me a lot, when he made aware of the abnormality on his chest and that he was psychologically disturbed by it. I felt a jumpy hot breeze as my blood streaming into my arteries and veins, wrapped up by a gush of insecure feelings, which took me a few ticks of seconds to say something in reply.
I had so many doubts to call for, but as always, he was not a character who would award me an instant feedback. Living with a personality like him requires tolerance and patience. I had to sit tight  the entire night to know the whole story. At times I had the perception that there was no warmth in him, and that I often got annoyed and lost my bearings.
Out of curiosity, I googled and made a sift through on the conditions associated with bruising or discoloration and yellow skin. I was very sure that it was only due to the contusion and muscle strain, injured due to physical activity or labor he was involved in recently, and that I hope it was nothing significant or worrying that needs serious attention.
Thank you God for all Your blessings, for the strength You give me each day and for all the people around me who make my life more meaningful. Please protect them for me,  O Allah. Aameen.πŸ˜”

Selasa, 18 Oktober 2016

The Monologue

Not a single moment did it never cross her common sense that her endearment was unimaginable.  It was forbidden, prohibited by the law of nature. She was not a young maiden whom he would fall madly in love with.  He was all around those eye-catching damsels whom he could easily choose from and that he would not lay eyes on a plain face like her. No doubt she had told herself a million times but the obsession went unruly, unceasingly.  He was always there, intelligibly in her head unendingly, and haunting her day and night for eternity. She had no one to turn to comfort the milestones she was bearing.  Not  a soul would be on her lane to support her for having such a warmth. This was ridiculous and disgraceful.
Very often she would stare blankly at her ceiling in her small square chamber, quizing herself what could be done to ease this melancholy.  Very often too she couldn't help whimpering her heart out the whole day, until she felt sufficient of it. Then she would take a deep breathe of relief, before the waves of gloom, dropped by again.
There were times when she was awaken in the dead centre of nightfall. It was so overpowering for her to carry this anguish any longer. She would turned to the mercy of The Almighty to soothe her and guide her the way to end this sadism, begging for help to terminate this one name ultimately. Dawn was approaching but all the same, the compassion of worship was still there, lingering and conquering her defenceless heart. She was so fatigue and drained but she  just couldn't get him out of her senses.
Now that she had made up her sanity to heal her inner soul from this tormented terrorism of idolization. By no means either way she chose, she would be doomed. She had nothing to lose nor gain. She had decided to sacrifice her existence for this intense feeling of deep devotion to a name called Uzarseef. 

Ahad, 16 Oktober 2016

Voyage To Uncertainty

Most of her afternoons she would sit in her bedroom, long-sufferingly waiting to hear from him. She can’t help thinking about what her life had become when he came part of it. Waiting and wanting him had been the focus of her thought these days, knowing that one day, all that she has envisioned of them together, will finally happen, even if it was just for a moment. She didn’t ever want to lose this feeling. She didn’t ever want to lose him. Yet, still as she continued to lay there and thought about everything he was to her.
Gazing at her red handbag, she gripped it open; taking out a folded photocopied piece of an A4 white sheet she printed a month ago. It was a duplicate of her getaway travel document. She held it in her hands while she stared at the specifics blankly. Stated evidently were all the details of her online booking voyage - a five-day-return-ticket to her preferred journey's end. The time was moving gradually and she was mindful that the day of her leaving was forthcoming, however, she was still vague and doubtful, and this indecision was the most stressful feeling. She was still tangled with the whole lot around her. She was trapped within her waking senses and her involuntary mind, clashing with truth and make-believe. There was no wrong action, just choices and consequences. If she would go, and it turned out to be the wrong thing, she would know for sure. If she did not go, she might always wonder if she should have given it a chance, or she might feel peace and relief of not having the anxiety anymore.
She has been getting herself ready for this clandestine visit all along. She was very convinced of her choice and was looking forward to it, counting the days and weeks which seemed crawling very unhurriedly. This was going to be her very first journey out of the country unaccompanied. She could not comprehend how valiant she was for having this notion of soaring across the earth to see a name she hardly be acquainted with. This was her undisclosed escape and that not a single soul should be alerted of this rendezvous. Should anything befallen her in the land of the aliens, she had nobody except herself to be blamed for. 
It was not this documented and well-arranged travel that distressed her most, it was something else that gave her the fret.   It was the bumping into a soul that has been giving her sleepless nights. It frequently gave her the goose bumps and cold quivers. Her heart stopped five beats whenever she pictured the moment they looked into each other’s eyes. ‘No! I’m not going’ she swayed herself every moment she visualized the discomforting look on the soul’s face the minute he set eyes on her at the arrival hall. She imagined the gaze of numbness of his expression for being embittered and in disappointment. She learned that if  you look carefully at people's eyes, the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through and she just couldn’t bear to reflect that situation even in her nightmares. She knew she had nothing to offer him except love and fondness of which had thrown her into that unfamiliar planet. ‘No! It’s final. I’m not flying over there.’  She persuaded herself over and over again,  denying the yearning from within. She didn’t want to be doomed the day he got her. She would rather be living her life hoping and expecting than to lose him utterly.
She was at such a tight spot, stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea and that her soul was held captive. She wanted to distance herself from him, but yet, she didn’t want to lose him. 

Khamis, 13 Oktober 2016

The Forgotten Land in The Mountains

The splendour and salubriousness of the Kashmir Valley is legendary. According to poets and historians, Kashmir is more beautiful than the heaven and is the benefactor of supreme bliss and happiness. It is the best place in the Himalayas, a country where the sun shines mildly. The valley is an emarald set of pearls, a land of lakes, clear streams, green meadows, magnificent trees and mighty mountains where the air is cool, and the water sweet, where men are strong, and women vie with the soil in fruitfulness.
I was spellbounded by this spectacular mountain valley views since I was a school girl. Kashmir has become my point of destination and that one perfect chance I would one day wish to set my foot on and stood there in person to watch those natural beauty with my naked eye.
I am aware of her perplexed political history, that this majestic rich heaven is a land of unresolved dispute, occupied and left abandoned for almost seven decades. Kashmir is like a live-volcano, waiting to kaboom its hot fiery lava of discontentment and dissatisfaction, the anger and determination for freedom from the overstayed guests.
The murderous ambush upon their combative, fanatical youth leader has sparked an immediate cause of an enormous deadly uprising in the valley. It was as though a hungry revengeful lion has been awaken from its long slumber. Kashmir is now on torches of angers. She is boiling with rage of overwhelming revenge,  unstoppable and could never be cooled down unless her righteous freedom, self-determination and independence delivered to them by hook or by crook, an eye for an eye, otherwise they will battle themselves to the last drop of blood and sweat. Nothing could ever make them surrender,  it is now or never. 

Rabu, 12 Oktober 2016

A Letter To Kashmir

Dear Kashmir,
I knew of your existence when I got my hands on you in my Geography and History periods. You are positioned in the Himalayan mountainous region and is distinguished for your beautiful panoramic vista and terrains that pleases the aesthetic senses, so alluring and eye-appealing which fascinated me till now. You are a wealthy and prosperous nation. They say if you are on your own, you will be a country bigger than 126 countries on the globe. Why not?  You own the most costliest spice in the world, the saffron. You have your decorative handicrafts, walnuts, mushrooms and apples. Not forgetting the highest power generation capacity, the tonnes of diversed minerals as well as your best quality sapphire stones.
No wonder your neighbours China, India and Pakistan are envious of you and that they have been mingling with you with a feeling of admiration since the conclusion of the British rule in 1947 which left you as the subject of a territorial conflict.
The black-necked crane, pretty lotus flower and the monumental Chinar tree are your symbols which I know by sight very clearly. This majestic deciduous tree is found in almost your every village. It is a long-living tree and has several properties, a perfect symbol for your longevity and survival.
The thought of seeing you never lose the balance of my mind although I am thousands of  miles away. The few hombres from your breed, to whom I make friends with on the social media are awesome and brilliant human beings,  beautiful creatures with beautiful minds and that honestly speaking I have fallen in deep love with one of your sons. He inspires me to start working back on my passion in writing. 
When Burhan Wani was martyred on 8 July, I was worried sick and bothered not only about the killing of your commander but also your son's whereabouts and well-being for I came to know that your whole valley was in great mess by the scuffle. However I felt grateful that your introvert son survived, alive and well in the capital pursuing his studies. 
I am thankful to your kind hearted son for still keeping in touch with me until now, in spite of his busy routine. Hopefully one fine opportunity, we are able to come face to face for real.  Thank you.

With love,
Crane, Lotus & Chinar

A Time For Us

Everything seemed to be exhausting me, no matter how much I slept, how much coffee I drank or how long I laid down, something inside me seemed to have given up.
My soul was tired. Those intense feelings of fear, a sudden urgency to run away, to escape, the pounding heart racing, the twitchy hot and cold flashes and the chest pained. Those were the awful, nauseating and beastly sorrows I felt in my bones ,when out of the blue, you passed into oblivion like a shot.
"Oh God, I can't stop it! " I began to believe I was no longer in control of my mind. I've never felt my soul being torn apart. I've never loved anyone with all my heart. Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul.
I felt I was trapped,  being stopped in the tracks,  and slowly sinking into a pit of darkness, scrambling for a hand to pull me out from its depth.  But no one listened.
You never said goodbye. You just disappeared silently right when I needed you.  You drifted away quietly into the distance. I was never given an explanation to why you didn't talk anymore. You just left me hanging there with all the questions in my mind. And it hurt the most because of those unsaid goodbyes.  You just left me with no warnings. It chilled me to the bones.
I wonder if it would be more therapeutic if you could have just stumbled upon a drop of poison so that I could drink and drift into a deep, cold, breathless slumber like Juliet, and that people would think I was dead, but the truth was, I was holding my horses for my Romeo to come on the scene and rescue me and that we would elope and gallop off to the Land of the Cold Mountains and lived happily together in a cabin by the lake beyond the snow-capped mountains.
Startled by the rumbling sounds of the evening thunderclaps, I became conscious of the fact that it was all a dream, a cherished aspiration.