Jumaat, 30 September 2016

Thank You For Crossing My Path

I got attached to him a couple of months ago.  He was the first person from across the ocean that I added to my friends list when I spotted his comment on a news page.  A studious, brilliant graduate with heart-melting looks. He holds a Master in Economics and is pursuing his PhD very soon. He is much younger than me but on the contrary,  I learned more new things around the world through his views and opinions which some of them differ from my perspectives. Looks like what they usually say : the old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, and the young know everything. Yes, he's resourceful, knowledgeable and internet savvy.

I came to  realize that it is worth being friends with people who are not our age. Hang out with people whose first language isn't the same as ours. Get to know someone who doesn't come from our social class.  This is how we see the world. This is how we grow really. 

He has great impact on my life.  I began to fall hard on him. I don't remember when and how I end up there, but eventually when we got along from time to time, I found feelings in places I didn't even know I still had that feelings, and when things didn't work out between us like he failed to keep in touch with me or when he was unreachable, my bones will ache, even months later when I saw his status or when I came across a name similar to his. I don't know where I stand with him. And I don't know what I mean to him. All I know is that every time I think of him, all I wanna do is be with him.   I wanna take care and support him and if time is not too envious, if it is not too late, I'd like to see his dreams come true and watch him walk the world from the distance.

I'm thankful our paths crossed and that he comes into my life. I know he may not stay forever and that he had to leave for some reasons, somehow he has made me happy even if it is just for a short while.
It's comforting to know the one you love is always in your heart and if you're lucky, a plane ride away. It does not matter how much we spent our time with in this world, but it matters a great deal whom we dream of.

Trust the wait
Embrace the uncertainty
Enjoy the beauty of becoming
When nothing is certain 
Anything is possible 

Isnin, 19 September 2016

Be Honest and Sincere...

I don't have the right words to explain why I am attached to you this great amount. I'm very much aware that I'm not your choice and taste that you're looking for. At least respect me enough to tell me. If you don't like me, just tell me. Don't lead me or play me, if you are losing feelings or have lost interest in me.  I know I have every faults and flaws that you have reasons to dislike me.  I'm completely far beyond your favorite dish on the menu. But I at least deserve to know. So, instead of keeping things to yourself, just be straight up and be honest with me - So I don't have to sit around looking stupid, counting the days to fly to you.

I know you don't love me,  you don't even like me either. Not a pinch. You're a boy and you're gonna just want to flirt with me, send me mixed messages, lie to me, lead me on so I fall for you. You'll make me happy for a while but next on, you'll completely ignore me. The best part is I can't do anything about it, because I love you and I don't want to lose you.

I had this feelings that you are still considering yourself if I should come to see you and being with you even if it's just for a couple of days.  I know you've been interrogating deep in your mind, whether you could look into my eyes and even touch me and make love to me.  I'm unattractive. Not a beauty. Not arousing to you.  I understand. So I have all the reasons to demand you for an honest answer.

I have spent minutes, hours, days and weeks, even months over-analyzing this situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened, or I can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on. It happens to everyone. You find out who you are to someone, and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known don't see things the way you do.

You're bright and matured.  You should know that feelings are like waves.  We couldn't stop it from coming. We can only surf it, or adjust our sails to cope with. I'm trying to adjust mine. I'm gambling with my life in the sea of waves.  I'm surfing myself over the ocean to see that someone who has made my days tumbling down beyond my normalcy. Imagine the guts I took to cross the ocean, flying high up the sky, thousands of miles to an alien land, strange and unknown just to see a complete stranger met on the website who barely have interest in me, putting the trust, jeopardizing my safety, just because this particular human has won my affections, love and lust. Have mercy on me, please.

And if that someone is willing to meet me, have fun, be happy, and enjoy the few moments together,  I would very much wish to appreciate it.  If that someone is able to ignore the flaws, the faults, limitations s and accept each other's differences, no judgements, no promises, and sincere, that would be an ultimate memorable life event. Just be together ,just for one night stand!  But if you don't, there's no point of pretending to be acceptable. We are gonna get injured painfully and hurting each other deeply.

If this is so,  now I shall have to stop loving you little by little. And I shall have to decide to leave the shore of my heart and set off to seek another land. I must make a decision to move on. It won't happen automatically, but I will have to rise up and say, "I don't care how hard it is. I don't care how disappointed I am. I'm not going to let this get the best of me. I'm moving on with my life. I'm sorry for changing. I am sorry it had to be this way. This time I won't wait by my phone. I won't text you to remind you that I exist. I won't give you that power anymore. I've got to delete you completely. Maybe I was just good for your ego.. ".

Lots of things can be fixed. But relationship between people cannot be fixed,  because they should not be fixed. You're on board on a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or boarding a different ship, and you just can't be with each other anymore, because you shouldn't be. We've got to know when it's time to turn the page sooner or later.
There is a limit to the grieving that the human heart can do. When you add salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed.

I wish you knew......❤

There was this boy, a boy like no other, who I observed whenever I had the chance. This boy was handsome and had this honest kind look, the sweetest smile and the most beautiful eyes. Although I observed him, I never felt observed by him, like really, how could someone like him could ever lay eyes on me?  I'm not as young as him and he was perfect. If only you knew, that guy was you.
I met him when I was scrolling a page on Facebook. I added him in my list and we got clicked very easily. When we first started talking, I literally couldn't sleep because of all the butterflies, the boy who had been my crush, finally spoke to me. I was taken by surprise when he called me on the phone. That was the first time I got to hear his voice. You, out of people,  I suddenly became super attached to you and I didn't want us to stop talking, but that was the last I heard your voice. We only chatted on WhatsApp but not as often. Yes, although you probably won't believe it, I still remember that day when you told me I was beautiful, at first it was hard to believe, but somehow, you made me feel that those words were the most honest anyone had ever told me. I had fallen hard for you. I couldn't take you out of my mind. I waited for your name to appear on my screen and whenever the cell beeped, I hoped it was a text from you. I was disappointed of course for it was not always from you. I could be very angry about the matter, but then again I'm talking about someone who I just can't stay mad at. We are not bound to any kind of commitment. We were just friends from the distance.
Days and weeks passed and we stopped talking to each other, our lives involved us in other important matters and we just stopped talking to each other, though I always wanted to start another beautiful conversation, but my fear was always that may be I was annoying you, so I didn't, and all that was left was me missing you. Would you be missing me too?  We got distanced when you shut off yourself from me the day you went back to your homeland for the summer break. I was prepared for the worst and that I had the feelings, that this could be the end of our connection. You were silent for the whole month, and I took it as an answer that you didn't want me to have anything to do with your life.  I was at the brink of losing my insanity for missing you, but what could I do?  I fought my own battle silently and forced myself to accept the fact that you weren't meant to be in my life. It hurt me whenever I saw your name on your status and that was the only source I had news about you. I dared not touch you, for I realized that if I wanted to heal my wounds, I had to stop touching it. 
And then something dreadful happened in your country. An outbreak exploded when your militant commander was killed in an ambush. Thousands flocked together to give respect to the deceased and there was an unrest in the valley.  Suddenly I was so worried about your safety which I shouldn't give a heed. Why should I?  You wouldn't care less for me and why should I for you?  However, my heart wouldn't abide to my logical mind. I couldn't be at ease until I knew that you were safe and sound.  It took me all the courage and guts to give you a call. It was so relief to hear your voice after such a long time.  I was lost of words. It was a short, brief talk and that was just enough to calm me down. Not long after that I got your message.  You were no longer in your homeland. I felt much happier for you and that you were then at a comfort zone, away from the riots. I thought I was over you after the long silence. You appeared out of nowhere and with your ability of always saying the right thing, you made me fall for you all over again. May I ask why?  I knew you could have left me as you did anytime now, but I thought that it's not your fault, maybe distance is what affected us.  When I talk to you now, I still get the same butterflies I got from the first time you talked to me, not one point less. What will happen next? I wish I knew....

Ahad, 18 September 2016

I Will Cross The Ocean Just For You

Some of the toughest things in the world are to really want someone, and not have them around you. Those are the times when you don't know what to do.  All you can do is wait.
Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love.  They say absence makes the heart grows fonder.  Because sometimes it takes being away from someone for a while to realize how much you really need them in your life. 
The few minutes I spend with you on the line are worth the thousand hours I spend without you. Hearing your voice is far better than you touching me.  Because though I  yearn for your skin to touch me,  it is your voice that touches my soul. When two hearts are meant for each other,  no distance is too far, no time is too long, no oceans too wide, and no other love can break them apart. This may be the last time I talk to you, but if you keep me in your head, together we shall be eternal, if you believe, we shall never part. If we can love, trust, respect, and support each other from a distance, then we'll be unstoppable once we're physically together.  How incredible!! 

I can't text you roses or fax you my heart, I'd email you kisses but we'd still be apart. I love you to pieces, and just wish you'd see that I care for you so much because you mean the world to me. Distance is temporary, but our love is permanent. No matter how many years pass, how much distance exists between us, wherever we are in the world - even if the universe itself tries to keep us separated, I will always find way to you.  I would swim the oceans just for you. 
I can't wait for the day when I can finally see you.  When distance will finally prove to me that it's worth the wait although waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering. This is falling in love the cruelest way when you're world's away.  I know I have found my true love when I catch myself falling in love with the same you over and over again despite you being miles away from me. ❤

You changed my life...

I have realized that there is a role for everyone I meet in my life. Some have tested me, some have used me, some loved me, and some have taught me. But the ones who are truly important are the ones who bring out the best in me. They are the rare and amazing people who remind me why it's worth it. I've learned that it is not what I have in my life, but who I have in my life that counts.
My dear, I am proud to have you in my life. Thank you for touching my life in ways you may never know. My riches do not lies in material wealth, but in having a friend like you, a precious gift from Allah. I am proud of your achievement, your looks and your intelligence and whatever you do, because you're special to me.
I don't think you will understand how you've touched my heart. I don't think you could ever know how special you are, that even on my darkest nights you are my brightest star. You brightened up my life when I was caught in the web of darkness and loneliness, till your love filled my heart with so much of bliss. I was confused and lost.  I didn't know what to do. But I found answers to all my questions the second I met you. Do you still recall how we met?  It was in April when I found you on Facebook and that I added you to my friends' list and from there we made it till  today. That day we met, my life changed. The way you make me feel is hard to explain. You make me smile in a special kind of way. You make me fall deeper in love everyday. Of course there are ups and downs  in our relationship but those obstacles have made us even closer. Thank you for everything!  You're the best thing that's still happening to me. And you know what?  I get nervous when I know I'm going to get to see you soon. Please wait for me!

Sabtu, 17 September 2016

Once Upon A Time....

Once upon a time, there was an untold story of a Queen from the East who got lured and trapped by a General from the North in a continent of the cold mountains. This young, brilliant warrior, like any other men in his land, had an insatiable desire, a voracious thirst for women and girls. He treated them like a box of chocolate,  enjoying different kinds one after another. Until the next box of chocolate comes around he didn't know what to choose from because he thought they were all the same.  Until one day, the General came across a female who for no real reason appeared in his list  and they became friends in a flash of lightning,  quick and easy.
The General started his first cunning attacks by manipulating his victim with his good choices of pretty words, or praises and admiration which in no time melted the Queen's vulnerable innocent heart. Being all alone in her solitude and silence world in her cocoon for too long, the abusive warrior gained the trust of his prey as easy as falling off the log. The sweet thawed whispers and the soft romantic persuasive pleads have awaken the Queen from her years of hibernation, her slumber. She was carried away and blinded by the kinds of feelings people write novels about. She surrended and sold her whole self, body and soul to the devil. The General, was a male gladiator with unquenchable feelings of lust, true to his blood race, savored and ravished every inch of her sweetness, trespassing and ogling her secret treasures until he got sick of her.
Not knowing that she would be abandoned so soon, thrown to rot in debris of unspeakable pain of heartache, the Queen clandestinely fell in deep devotion of love n affection for the General. The wall of defence to her untouched kingdom collapsed into pieces. The General had again won the battle without much effort of struggle, negotiation or signing treaties. Having shamely defeated the Queen, he began his next typical stir as men of his kind did - slowly making himself unavailable, distancing gradually, leaving the Queen waiting,hoping and expecting with anxiety and desperation - yearning for his cruel, sadistic embrace every minute of the hours and days.
Wordlessly like a ghost, he galloped off and vanished into the valleys, back into his homeland without saying goodbye or a mere explaination, dumping the helpless Queen on the crossroads of forlorn and dejection, torn and shredded into pieces, in disappointment and shame.
Swallowing all the sobs and tears, that breathlessly suffocating her, and after months of heart wrenching agonies, she finally came into every waking senses that the General was not a Prince Charming after all, far from being a Knight with shunning armour. He was indeed a cruel living thing with a rotten senseless heart,  a werewolf in a sheep's clothing and he was a beast at what he did. The Queen was injured and in great devastation,  licking her deep cut wounds and mistakes, in the deep silent nights of sorrow all alone. She cried so hard that she thought she could fill the Indian Ocean all the water her body was losing. She should not have likened her love to a stranger. The grotesque gladiator was no match for someone as sweet natured as her. Being kindness herself and true to her love,  she held no revenge or anger to the young man. She had survived from what she thought would kill her which made her more grateful and that everything happens for a reason. Seasons change, so do people.
Despite everything, she couldn't stop herself from loving the General. Even at a distance, a simple glance was just enough to quake her heart and awaken her more love. She loved him from that distance, softly and slowly. Day by day she had learned to strengthen her crown and moved forward like a real Queen.  She's all alone again naturally and she would live happily ever after. ❤

Jumaat, 16 September 2016

Your eyes are worth the stare

Have you noticed that, if you look carefully at people's eyes, the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through, just for an instant before it flickers away? The eyes are the windows of the soul, the jewel of the body. They are the doorway to your heart - reflecting your emotions and your inner being. A lot can be concluded from the expressions of the eyes. Eye contact is more intimate than words can ever be. Sometimes the eyes can say more than the mouth. Looking into someone's eyes changes the entire conversation. The eyes see only what the mind is prepared to comprehend. The face is a picture of the mind with the eyes as its interpreter.
I like you,my dearest. Your eyes are full of language. I can't explain what I see in you. It's just the way you took me to a place where no one else can. Your eyes are so intense.  I want to look away... or never look away, I can't decide. You shine like the sun and you move like water. Your eyes are the perfect mix of grey and brown, like fog in the woods, and you smell like lilacs in the summer. I think if you laughed, it would sound like music. It's no surprise that I got lost in your brown eyes as if they give me some kisses. You may be both unpredictable and irresistible. Words fail me when it comes to this madness. Like they say, love is blind and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Love is divinely indescribable. 


To my dear Uzarseef,


I just can't imagine how it would be on that one sad day, when the time comes, when we had to finally let go everything we hold, our clandestine love, the shenanigans and our rendezvous chapters together, and the minute when we had to erase and forget each other. 
Have you ever pictured that heart wrenching moment, when you and I would have to vow that we had to go our separate ways and conclude our forbidden affair, and that we should not be in touch anymore.
We are not in the Wonderland where everything comes true. I am not a Cinderella and you are not the Prince Charming that I would live happily ever after with either. There is no magic or fairies to help us turn pumpkins into golden carriages which could carry us to the castle of everlasting love. Neither there's any pool of youth that could transform us to stay young forever. We had to abide to the law of nature, where we all live for others too and that  life is not totally ours to decide alone. 
Believe it my sweetheart, it would be a painful, torturing episode and that if we are not preparedly strong, mentally and emotionally, it would kill us both softly. Come what may, deep down in our hearts we know that the death of our love would finally come knocking at our door, and we had to face it no matter how hard we try to make it breathe and alive.  It is destiny. 
Come and let us embrace this short-lived spell together, this final rendezvous which is meant for us to just be happy, to love and be loved and recollect them in our hearts as reminiscence that will never die. Forget all the faults and flaws, our differences, the imperfections and the high expectations. Accept what it is sincerely from the bottom of our hearts. Let us together fly to the moon and bring us to the top of our world for once in a lifetime.