An Epilogue

There was a great u-turn in my life when I lost something most precious in November seven years ago - my courage, my sacrifices and what  I lived for.  It was the most painful tragedy I had ever endured after a year of battling and struggling to resume a normal life with great hope and confidence. I could not help myself into grieving and mourning until I lost my voice and my eyes were swollen and that the doctor strongly advised me to stop weeping otherwise I would likely to lose my vision. It was months later before I could finally accept the fact that nothing in this world is immortal and forever there to exist in life.

Learning myself to lead the days as ordinary as possible, I carried out my routines at my new ambience where I was relocated a few months after I moved out to the present new home. Life gradually began to change to normalcy as I came to like my new environment. I found freedom being all by myself more exciting although there were times I missed my old days. I kept reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and that I should carry on with my life without it. Lamenting what was lost would only make my life more complicated. I had my privacy and I made my own decisions without misgivings and the feelings of doubt or second thoughts. More importantly I was satisfied with who I was then- independent, happier and financially stabled. At last I was the CE of my life!

Everything seemed perfect and without fault for seven long years ahead. Until one day in April 2016, I got myself clicked so easily to a hombre from beyond the sea. I thought I had enough sufferings and that enough was enough as I had built a strong wall of defence so high that I made certain no one could ever able to climb it over. However this one chap had managed to break my fortress as easy as falling off the log. I fell and drowned into his words of praise and appreciations. My life wàs swayed off course and I was trapped into the webs of uncertainty, hopelessness and expectations once again.  I lost all rationale and considerations and that I began to get inspired to write and spilled my heart out on the paper. I spent every hours, days and weeks  writing and pouring my despairing heart into my journal pages and blog. It was a horrible undescribable feeling when you need someone and that the reality was you couldn't have it. It was worst than facing death itself!

And after much brainstorming and deep thoughts, I realized I had to deal with this stumbling block that was hurdling me the whole year. I wanted to conclude 2016 with a brave act, an epilogue to this melancholy once and for all. No matter how the consequences would be, either I had to swim cross the oceans or soaring the endless blue skies, I had to come face to face with my nightmare - the General from the Cold Mountains!

Stairways To Heaven

The school break has just commenced. She was waiting for this moment to settle an important task. Right then she had no companionship to lend a helping hand, so she just undoubtly boarded a double-decker bus that Monday morning heading towards the metropolis. It was in conjunction with a public holiday and that the journey was rather slow-moving as the highways were heavy. It took her a lousy 12 hours of boring trip to finally reach the 400 km destination which usually could just be done in 6-7 hours. She chose to just travel by road, as air tickets were much too high for a 45-minute's fly especially during the holiday seasons like ths.

Two days earlier, it was so stressful for her. She spent hours, re-checking to confirm her online reservations. She went wild and crazy when it was stated 'cancelled' and 'expired' on the screen. How could it be when she was already given the confirmation the day she booked it months ago. She got panicked and that she took a drastic move. Booked another flight! Because a duplicate of the authorization must be attached when applying for the visa as evidence of the travel and that she couldn't afford to jeopardize the whole scheme after all. The first booking problem would be dealt later as all her calls were repeatedly unresponded. Only when the second booking was completely done that the agent issued a reply to all her enquiries. She should have her aviation bookings checked and confirmed with the airlines. Oh dear! She rushed to the airport to have this clarified otherwise it would be another long night for her. What a comfort when she was made clear that her air trip on the stated date and destination were valid and authenticated and that her double booking would be refunded and credited back into her account.

First thing the next morning, she headed to one of the agents authorized by the embassy to submit her application forms. She chose to deal with an agent in a small town nearby her vicinity to avoid the usual long queues at the main centre in the heart of the city. It took her only less than two hours before she was called up to the front desk to have her thumbs and finger prints taken and that the documents were ready to be picked up after three working days. Sighing a deep long breath, she drove off to get a nice breakfast of Roti Canai with curry dressing at a Mamak Restaurant, a 10-minute's drive away, feeling a lot relief and soothing.

However, there was something else that kept haunting her which was giving her the spooks and creeps. She was aware of the recent chaotic situation in the country she was going due to the demonetization of the 86% valuable currency in the country which has ttiggered a severe cash crunch. The country had run out of cash and the masses were taken by surprise overnight. She has been following news of how bad the situation that had befallen the nation. The populations were panicked stricken. Some had reached their limits of coping and lost insanity and that they even took desperate measures. There were reports of strings of death during long serpentine queues at the ATMs and banks, less not cases of dramatic suicides. In fact humanity in this part of the globe was at the edge.

And how could she still have the courage and intentions to let herself be in that tensed environment? She has been quizzing her senses and rationality since the November announcement. Wasn't it just like purposely indulging herself into a big trouble unecessarily? Having thought long enough, she had no choice but to just move forward with the scheme. This unexpected situation could not sway her off course and destroy her rendezvous. Someone was there to assist her and she trusted him more than anything else in the world, hence this well-planned voyage was going to be as scheduled and that the sailing was definite.

She knew if there's a will, there's a way.

Crossroads of Enchantment

Quite often these days she stood for hours looking at the person in the mirror. Ogling deeply at the image wondering how would the turns of event be when they met. Would she only injure her dignity and self respect of having such an unfitting intentin?

The person looking back at her in the mirror is now a stranger, so different and totally contrasting from whom she knew a few years back. The reflection seems to have changed a lot physically. She looks as though she has entirely lost hope and confidence of herself. She has lost the battle against nature. There is less enthusiasm in her face expression. Those eyes are now not focused and no longer sparkles. The stares showed years of sufferings and there are lines in her face and she looks ancient. She has bags under her eyes like bags of sand or cement, old and tired but sharp and fierce at the same time, giving the look of those that have shed tears of despair and hopelessness. The branded glass frame she wears could never conceal those eyes, which has grown dull and cloudy as she had seen too much sufferings. Yet her smiles and giggles remain sweet and exciting. People could not easily guess her genuine length of life as she is a small thing, and always stimulating and in good spirit. She looks like a sweet lady full of wisdom and wonderful, with exciting stories and experiences to share. At least that is what they say of her. 

All she could think of is, only him. If only she could be sure he would just forget about the pieces of her that she tries to cover up and accept the pieces that she thinks are unattractive, especially the ones she tries to hide,  she would not be at this point of no return, in this entanglement and puzzle. She wants him to want her for all that she is not,  for just the way she is for she will not let a man touch her unless he has completely touched her heart and soul, respects her and doesn't force her to compromise with her values and ethics. Could he be trusted to be just as one?

She's in the hour of decision, in such a dilemma. She wants to distance herself from him, but yet she doesn't want to lose him. She craves him in ways she can't articulate. She longs for his presence to wrap himself around her and flood her fears aside.