Khamis, 27 April 2017

Keeper of My Soul, Holder of My Heart

Keeper of My Soul, Holder of My Heart

I have a lot of things in my brain  that I set my heart on and to put them down into words but I do not know where to get down to. As I have conveyed, I could only write when I'm emotional and temperamental. But now and then I am doing fine and at last have my feet on the ground emotionally and mentally after the long journey - after that wonderful encounter.

Everything is about this eye-popping personality. He fills all the voids in my heart and soul and I am conscious of the fact that he has become a part of my life. I couldn't bear the expense of losing him. I move heaven and earth to find a way to forget him but I couldn't. He's been there deep- rooted inside my soul and I could possibly be out of breath in the absence of him. He is a nice character - putting up with me without interference and never let me down to any of my foolish requests even though there are times when he is rather punishing. However, I never felt it as an insult . He is much easier and closer than ever now.  Not a day since we parted last winter that we do not get in touch which I'm most grateful.  I am going through more comfortably attached to  him and I am now brave enough to text him first  or to butt in on his silence as he  reciprocates to my messages and does not leave me unheeded.

I get to watch him breathing and well on video calls quite often. Sometimes I felt pity on him for I occasionally put him on tests and pressures with my foolishness  whenever I felt insecure. He would rush home from campus and called me to clear things up. I believed he could sense things are not going right with me through my posts and writings where I often spill out my thoughts, my strength and warmth of emotions. 

I like writing down the scenes in my mind because it is a lot like ignoring. There are images and scars on my mind that keep on playing and repeating, and the only way for me to purge them,  erase them, pacify them, and let them go is by writing them out especially when I came across his statuses and posts where he often gave his 'likes' to images of young females on the instagram. I went haywired! I began to have negative thoughts and feelings, some sort of being betrayed which is absurd and pointless. I am jealous of everyone who gets to see him everyday whilst I am far away and untouchable. It is a torturing kind of long distance love where you need a strong faith and trust to endure the agony of feeling missing. 

When I am alone I have thousands of things to tell him but the moment he is there, I went speechless and my common lie is "I'm fine".  Because with one look of his image on my phone, with the sound of his voice echoed on the line,  was just enough to clear up my mind. Every pain, hurt, agony and misery vanished into thin air, melted away like ice on fire the moment he appears. And he would willingly do silly things  I request just to make me happy because I believe he understands how much I love him. I am a happy,  contented person when I'm with him. It seems like I would sacrifice anything for him.  I know I may not be able to fix his every problem but I can promise he won't face them all alone.  I want to see him walk the world proudly even if from the distance.

He  is my favorite everything - my favorite pair of eyes to look into. My favorite name to see appear on my phone screen. My favorite guy with whom I want to spend my afternoon. I wish I could explain his eyes, and how the sound of his voice gives me butterflies. How his smile makes my heart skip a beat and how every time I'm with him I feel complete. And I have this kind of habit,  as soon as I wake up,  I check my phone, hoping there's a message from him.

After we met last January,  I doubted he would still want to hear anything from me and would just abandon and gave me up.  I was ready to face the consequences if he left me. I prepared myself long before I made that courageous decision to meet him. I thank God and I'm glad that we haven't lost each other. We still meet on the line till now. Every morning before he leaves for campus, he would leave me a message and it was just enough to make my day because it shows he is thinking about me and that could change my whole day, otherwise I would not be able to concentrate on what I was doing. He has become my strength and courage. He has helped me look forward to my everyday life cheerfully. 

There was one time when we were on a video call one afternoon. He looked tired and exhausted after the whole day at his department.   He barely able to utter words or open his eyes - only the hummings and short responses. We were in companiable silence, knowing each other's minds, having no need to talk.  He fell asleep on his pillow with the earphones on. I stared at his young strong face for as long as I wanted.  He was breathing softly.  He looked so gentlemanly innocent - a beautiful sight.  As I gazed at him deeply,  I wondered if I were there right then,  I would hold him gently, stroking his hair and loving him with anguish. I would want to cradle him in my arms like a baby a little longer, rock him a little more,  tell him another story a million more. Let him sleep on my shoulder and cherish his every smile. O God,  I  needed him even more. I wish to see him again and I am looking forward to that moment for one last time. Please hold on.