Jumaat, 28 Oktober 2016

Bury The Hatchet

She had lost all expectation in him. She had moved heaven and earth to forget him.  She occupied most of her afternoons writing in her instagram and blog. She hadn't written anything since 2011 and suddenly she had millions of things to write about.

It was right when she spoke she could only compose when she was temperamental. She wrote her heart out - every tiny sentiment, passion and emotions, her agonies and her unbearable pains. She exerted herself to block him out of her senses.  She found no reasons and excuse to keep in touch with him any longer at this time. After that one desperate call, she one more time,  stubbornly tried her karma and checked on him on one ocassion,  but as predicted,  he would not retaliate or make an easy, smooth sailing respond.

From then on, she began to drill herself hard to turn a blind eye to his existence. All she wanted was to erase and delete him entirely  from her life history. Oh, too bad,  no matter how hard she made an effort, his shadowy ghost, kept haunting her, poignant and evocative.  She gave her best shot to divert herself by going for breakneck drives and forcing herself stayed up in front of the idiot box till late hours.  She did her damnedest act, by making friends with the others abundantly found on the social websites in the intentions of drawing him away from her mind completely. But it went on a blink, unsuccessful. They were no match for him. Her stubborn heart never wanted to surrender and that it still longed for him. It really was killing her softly. She didn't know what to do with herself. She was obsessed and bewitched by this particular young man.

Even so, she had befriended this one gentleman, also his countryman, from the capital town of his valley. A nice chap who managed a travel agent business. When she joked that she was making plans to visit his cold country in autumn the following year with a bunch of her friends, he emailed her the full details of the trip itinerary and that he would arranged himself as the tour guide with a special rate discount.  He made it clear that the cost would be less expensive if she came in bigger groups.  He was very cooperative and could bear with her every silly questions she asked.

She told him that she had someone she knew from one of the districts there and she asked for his favour if he could take her to that place to look for her lover if her September trip became a reality. He assured her confidently that it was not a big problem.  He would assist her to get to the address. She laughed herself out when the travel agent took her idea humorlessly and that her skillful act was a success. She was actually misleading him and that she would not really go looking for him even if she was there for real. She was still under control although she appeared to be so desperate.  It was an insanity to do such an act.  She was merely fantasizing.

Then, to her surprise,  one fine day, she received a text from him confirming that he was then in the capital city at his relative's. She was thankful that he had finally back to the comfort zone and that she would not to be worried about his safety anymore.  She could sense the difference in his attitude. He was more frank, communicative and approachable. He was more sharing and that she was made aware of his whereabouts and well-being. They both became quite attached from day to day. She was overwhelmed with the change in him. As days went by,  she began to think about fleeing to meet up and came face to face with him for once in her lifetime.

Selasa, 25 Oktober 2016

Passion Masquerade

It was a week before Eid. She opened a box containing an item which she kept hidden in the drawer for so long. It was intended to replace the worthless souvenir previously sent which she took on board when she joined a trip to the neighbouring state, but it turned out to be flabby and loose for his size and that she took a new effort to get a fresh one for a spare. However she kept delaying sending it, as she was conscious he was giving the impression that he took no more interest in her.
Be that as it may,  she stubbornly decided to courier the package as an Eid gift, because after all it was meant for him in the first place. No accompanying messages, nor notes or whatsoever, only 'Jane Doe’ written on the courier form as the sender as she was too afraid to say anything anymore. It was supposedly reached him on the eve of the big day. Then she came across his status on the social media, declaring that he was not available for seven consecutive days and would not be rejoicing Eid at home. Reading-through a few remarks on his wall, she discovered that he had journeyed to another state, Haryana, for his an interview. It was not a maiden's name as she thought at first, it was referred to a place.  After much thought, she dared herself and threw him a note informing him of the bundle she posted. She sensed his cold, unfriendly manner, saying that he was not in the condition of checking mails. 
She was deeply upset and agitated by the reply. There was no warmth in him as if he wished to be left alone and didn’t need to have any more links with her and that she felt she was trespassing his privacy. She was in the wrong, so she took it as a hint which she deserved and that she should have long learnt her lessons. She should stop being clingy and she spoke no more after that. A fortnight passed by, the gift was left untraceable and unappreciated.

One afternoon, she was troubled by a news. An upheavel erupted in his valley. His people's combative hero was shot dead in a retaliation with the Army forces. She still never gave up hope and constantly glancing ridiculously at  her phone screen expecting some news from him. Weeks passed and she was restless. She could no longer tolerate the unsureness. Once more she faced herself to just ignore her ego, her self respect.  She had to call him up when all her messages were left unattended. Her first attempt was unsuccessful. She tried the second time and there was someone over the line. It was him. She was so relief. Hearing his voice after such a long silence was something inexpressible. The few seconds on the line was just enough to make her a day. The connection was weak and that she had a hard time to comprehend his thick accent but she knew he was with his family. Safe and sound. 
'I love you…’ she uttered shakily, before she ended the call and she overheard him echoed at the end of the line, ‘ I love you, too’. Those were beautiful words spoken spontaneously but that had not made her feel contented totally.  It was no better than a masquerade, a passion in desperation, yet it was just enough to ease the bleeds of her wounds.

Ahad, 23 Oktober 2016

Crime of Passion

Day to day she tried to convince her ridiculous thoughts to acknowledge the fact that the young man whom she was on tenterhooks,  was undeniably not doomed for her. Her devotions was a misconduct - a crime! He was a complete foreigner, an alien, existing thousands of miles away, and it was a mission impossible for both of them to be brought back together. The windfalls were not heading her way. 
A couple of times she had this nightmare. A beautiful one. A dream full of hopes and excitement. She fantasized of running away from home with the man she loved to a secret place where they could fall in love again but she only ended waking up feeling more troubled by the fantasy. It was just a game in her dreams. Haunted by the wonders, she imagined how nice it would be if it was as simple as that - pack her bags and go! 
She was okay for some days and on some other times she was impassable. The devotions and anticipations still exist in her.  She would not want to let him go. She was craving for the day when the young man would at least send her some verses. She was waiting for just a simple ‘Hi’ and that would reduce the suffering. ‘How could he be so cruel?’ and she broke down into deep silent weeps at the corner of her chamber.
She hoped that one day he would realize she did truthfully care for him and that he was going to miss her being there for him. She might have been worthless to him now but one of these days he would look back and wished things could be different. She might have erased his texts but she would never forget what he wrote. They might have stopped talking but she would never forget his voice. Anything they did she would never forget. One day this pain would make sense to him. If he was late, he would only have a memory to hug because she would not be there anymore. Those were all in her thoughts, in her sobs, in her monologue.                   
She spent the whole month in an altered frame of mind. There was no excitement. She was at her sister’s more often than usual because she had lost her appetite and that she thought her sister’s excellent cooking could help her in the food taking during iftar.
Her body and soul were clearly affected physically and emotionally by her state of affairs. She missed him so badly. Her fragile being could no longer withstand the torture and she couldn’t believe that she had drastically lost so much weight. Not a day that she forgot the man. Her love never seemed to recede. She spent her days in seclusion, praying and hoping to nothingness.

Khamis, 20 Oktober 2016

Please Be Saved...

He was on his own in that big city. Practically day to day occupying his hours in the library, devoting time and attention acquiring knowledge. It took my breath away by his willpower to pursue his dreams. Many times he was disqualified and denied for an admission, but that never distracted him not to try again, even if he had to travel the length and breadth as far as world's end. However, the sudden news he delivered troubled me a lot, when he made aware of the abnormality on his chest and that he was psychologically disturbed by it. I felt a jumpy hot breeze as my blood streaming into my arteries and veins, wrapped up by a gush of insecure feelings, which took me a few ticks of seconds to say something in reply.
I had so many doubts to call for, but as always, he was not a character who would award me an instant feedback. Living with a personality like him requires tolerance and patience. I had to sit tight  the entire night to know the whole story. At times I had the perception that there was no warmth in him, and that I often got annoyed and lost my bearings.
Out of curiosity, I googled and made a sift through on the conditions associated with bruising or discoloration and yellow skin. I was very sure that it was only due to the contusion and muscle strain, injured due to physical activity or labor he was involved in recently, and that I hope it was nothing significant or worrying that needs serious attention.
Thank you God for all Your blessings, for the strength You give me each day and for all the people around me who make my life more meaningful. Please protect them for me,  O Allah. Aameen.πŸ˜”

Ahad, 16 Oktober 2016

Voyage To Uncertainty

Most of her afternoons she would sit in her bedroom, long-sufferingly waiting to hear from him. She can’t help thinking about what her life had become when he came part of it. Waiting and wanting him had been the focus of her thought these days, knowing that one day, all that she has envisioned of them together, will finally happen, even if it was just for a moment. She didn’t ever want to lose this feeling. She didn’t ever want to lose him. Yet, still as she continued to lay there and thought about everything he was to her.
Gazing at her red handbag, she gripped it open; taking out a folded photocopied piece of an A4 white sheet she printed a month ago. It was a duplicate of her getaway travel document. She held it in her hands while she stared at the specifics blankly. Stated evidently were all the details of her online booking voyage - a five-day-return-ticket to her preferred journey's end. The time was moving gradually and she was mindful that the day of her leaving was forthcoming, however, she was still vague and doubtful, and this indecision was the most stressful feeling. She was still tangled with the whole lot around her. She was trapped within her waking senses and her involuntary mind, clashing with truth and make-believe. There was no wrong action, just choices and consequences. If she would go, and it turned out to be the wrong thing, she would know for sure. If she did not go, she might always wonder if she should have given it a chance, or she might feel peace and relief of not having the anxiety anymore.
She has been getting herself ready for this clandestine visit all along. She was very convinced of her choice and was looking forward to it, counting the days and weeks which seemed crawling very unhurriedly. This was going to be her very first journey out of the country unaccompanied. She could not comprehend how valiant she was for having this notion of soaring across the earth to see a name she hardly be acquainted with. This was her undisclosed escape and that not a single soul should be alerted of this rendezvous. Should anything befallen her in the land of the aliens, she had nobody except herself to be blamed for. 
It was not this documented and well-arranged travel that distressed her most, it was something else that gave her the fret.   It was the bumping into a soul that has been giving her sleepless nights. It frequently gave her the goose bumps and cold quivers. Her heart stopped five beats whenever she pictured the moment they looked into each other’s eyes. ‘No! I’m not going’ she swayed herself every moment she visualized the discomforting look on the soul’s face the minute he set eyes on her at the arrival hall. She imagined the gaze of numbness of his expression for being embittered and in disappointment. She learned that if  you look carefully at people's eyes, the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through and she just couldn’t bear to reflect that situation even in her nightmares. She knew she had nothing to offer him except love and fondness of which had thrown her into that unfamiliar planet. ‘No! It’s final. I’m not flying over there.’  She persuaded herself over and over again,  denying the yearning from within. She didn’t want to be doomed the day he got her. She would rather be living her life hoping and expecting than to lose him utterly.
She was at such a tight spot, stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea and that her soul was held captive. She wanted to distance herself from him, but yet, she didn’t want to lose him. 

Isnin, 10 Oktober 2016

The Falls In The Land of Uzarseef

Hello Autumn,
Don't be sad we miss our annual rendezvous in your valley during your spell this year. We know you're a faithful lover and not once you ever betray us. You always keep your promise and without fail to make yourself available in every October.

It's not your fault that you are surrounded by the whole shebang and it looks as though no one is not falling victim to your heavenliness bliss.

Believe it! Not for a moment that we are not fascinated by your charms. Yet, the occurrences in your neighborhood keep us at a distance from you. We concluded that the currently ongoing intifada in your earthland is the repercussions of the illegal annexation and the long, pending human atrocities.

Please tell the living souls of your people not to be upset and give up. They have the right to choose their path.  It is their sacred privilege. Brief them to follow their passion, stay true to themselves. We don't want them to tumble down to the ground and get decomposed worthlessly.  We want them to fight and fall in love instead.

Watching your deciduous  trees shed their leaves, reminds us of the falling lives of your comrades in the bloody clashes. They risked their beings to free your ancestral land from the clutches of tyranny and injustice. The fiery red colors of your season resembles their fighting spirit. They fell like falling leaves and they were indeed a beauty in the eyes of the mortals.

Know that this is a war of nerve the intruders are playing. Their attitude is waiting for your people to wear out. The sense of hopelessness might not be a good news for your future, so tell your people never ever get worn out. Stay strong and have faith. Don't give up. Your martyrs' efforts must not be wasted. Bear in your mind that one of these days the victory in the shape of independence will be yours.

My dear Autumn, 
We are aware that the unrest in your land has been going for four months and makes it the longest period in the history. Thousands were injured and killed, and some could no longer watch your grandeur anymore, for as long as they live. Their magnificent eyes are being blinded by the demonic pellet guns. Unrelentless protests continue in almost every part of your valley. The paterfamilias with the heart and mind to bring the quarrelling brood together is missing. They lack the vision and generosity to reach out and embrace your people who feel alien and unwanted. They may call your people brothers, but I know they are actually treating them  like stepchildren. 

Your people demand their rights of self-determination, but in return they are terminated with pellets and bullets. Your grounds is a global friction and that the patriarch should seriously think about it for the sake of humanity. Hear what your people want.
Their land as their soil.

Autumn darling, I love your favourite season,  my cozy friend who returns loyally each and every year. I will always love the Chinar trees until their leaves fall off.  I will encourage them to try again next year and may be I would come running to you, Kashmir. ❤


Ahad, 2 Oktober 2016

My Love Is A War

Life is funny. Just when you think you've got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about it and feel like you know what direction you're heading in, the path change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west and you're lost. The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a scary ride, and nothing is guaranteed.

Never had I passed my days without counting the seconds, minutes and hours to finally grab my bags, leave a note, and go!  I just can't wait to go somewhere secret where we can fall in love and set our soul on fire - for real, flesh, blood and bones. No more imaginings. No more daydreamings. Nothing but the truth.

However, my overwhelming urge to run away is shattered by a war at the border, a bloody symptom of man's failure as a thinking animal, a failure of democracy, a cowardly escape from the problem of peace and the trade of kings. The war breaks and hinders your every beautiful things, every hopes, love and dreams on the flight to happiness. 

My love for you is just like the war, it always finds a way. It all began when I failed to bring my heart and my mind into a diplomatic, peace talk. My soul declares war on the heart just after a launch of surgical strike on the mind. The oppression was so great that the soul chooses to love, an escape from the problem of confusion, the last option of democracy. I was defeated and surrendered myself in the conflict. I  am a soldier who was conquered and fell hard for you, held captive and brutally tortured emotionally, in a matter of moments, the minute I saw your name without knowing the real you. My whole being was haunted and occupied by your ghost. 

Once the love takes over the battle field,  it's difficult to end and impossible to forget. It has been recorded, written and could not be erased in the book of life history. Both the war and love need sacrifices and hurts and all the thousand shocks of life. They are the gloriest dreams of determination, an attractive rainbow that rises in showers of tears and the worst of nightmares when you lose. But it also means beauty of independence - true beauty. No matter how painful it is, my war with you is one of the prettiest things that crosses my life border, my Line of Control.❤