Voyage To Uncertainty

Most of her afternoons she would sit in her bedroom, long-sufferingly waiting to hear from him. She can’t help thinking about what her life had become when he came part of it. Waiting and wanting him had been the focus of her thought these days, knowing that one day, all that she has envisioned of them together, will finally happen, even if it was just for a moment. She didn’t ever want to lose this feeling. She didn’t ever want to lose him. Yet, still as she continued to lay there and thought about everything he was to her.

Gazing at her red handbag, she gripped it open; taking out a folded photocopied piece of an A4 white sheet she printed a month ago. It was a duplicate of her getaway travel document. She held it in her hands while she stared at the specifics blankly. Stated evidently were all the details of her online booking voyage - a five-day-return-ticket to her preferred journey's end. The time was moving gradually and she was mindful that the day of her leaving was forthcoming, however, she was still vague and doubtful, and this indecision was the most stressful feeling. She was still tangled with the whole lot around her. She was trapped within her waking senses and her involuntary mind, clashing with truth and make-believe. There was no wrong action, just choices and consequences. If she would go, and it turned out to be the wrong thing, she would know for sure. If she did not go, she might always wonder if she should have given it a chance, or she might feel peace and relief of not having the anxiety anymore.

She has been getting herself ready for this clandestine visit all along. She was very convinced of her choice and was looking forward to it, counting the days and weeks which seemed crawling very unhurriedly. This was going to be her very first journey out of the country unaccompanied. She could not comprehend how valiant she was for having this notion of soaring across the earth to see a name she hardly be acquainted with. This was her undisclosed escape and that not a single soul should be alerted of this rendezvous. Should anything befallen her in the land of the aliens, she had nobody except herself to be blamed for. 
It was not this documented and well-arranged travel that distressed her most, it was something else that gave her the fret.   It was the bumping into a soul that has been giving her sleepless nights. It frequently gave her the goose bumps and cold quivers. Her heart stopped five beats whenever she pictured the moment they looked into each other’s eyes. ‘No! I’m not going’ she swayed herself every moment she visualized the discomforting look on the soul’s face the minute he set eyes on her at the arrival hall. She imagined the gaze of numbness of his expression for being embittered and in disappointment. She learned that if  you look carefully at people's eyes, the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through and she just couldn’t bear to reflect that situation even in her nightmares. She knew she had nothing to offer him except love and fondness of which had thrown her into that unfamiliar planet. ‘No! It’s final. I’m not flying over there.’  She persuaded herself over and over again,  denying the yearning from within. She didn’t want to be doomed the day he got her. She would rather be living her life hoping and expecting than to lose him utterly.

She was at such a tight spot, stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea and that her soul was held captive. She wanted to distance herself from him, but yet, she didn’t want to lose him.