Rabu, 30 November 2016

Let Me Be Your Juliet

Dear Romeo,
If you're going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the mornings just to tell you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and thought-provoking things I say,  and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me,  the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible. 

If you're going to fall in love with me, don't fall in love with my Sunday best, don't fall in love with the way I look after spending hours getting ready or my fakest smile or freshly done hair. Fall in love with my body, the way it widens quite a lot around my hips and how I will never have that perfect figure and how I honestly don't really care. Fall in love with my impatience, my jealous moods and the times that I don't feel anything at all, and fall in love with how sometimes I act like a child whilst other times I can be most mature. Fall in love with my scars, my marks and all the things that make me far less than perfect and fall in love with every part of me, both good and bad, and especially with all that I consider a flaw. Fall in love with me as a whole or don't fall in love with me at all.

With love,

Selasa, 29 November 2016

The Spur

Life is so brief and time is a thief when you're undecided. They say sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places. It's like I'm caught between two versions of myself. The person I used to be and the person I'm scared to become. I feel like I'm looking in the mirror and my reflection doesn't match. I just want to be myself again. Only I'm not sure who that is anymore. Is it the person in the mirror the one I've struggled to be my entire life? Or is this the stranger living inside me?  How do you decide between them?  How do you know which one is really you?  The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride and uncertain. Nothing is guaranteed. You only have two solutions. Run away or participate.

You can be in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. In the blink of an eye, everything can change. You may never have that chance again. When life gives you a chance, take it!  Don't be afraid to make a mistake and never give up, no matter how much faith you've lost. Because life is full of surprises too. 

Forget about all reasons why something may not work, you only need to find one good reason why it will. Break the monotony. Do something strange and extravagant. Adventure may hurt you, but monotony will kill you. Don't let the fear of losing greater than the excitement of winning. Life only comes once,  so do whatever makes you happy, and be with whoever makes you smile. Keep the smile, leave the tension, feel the joy, forget the worry, hold the peace, leave the pain, and always be happy. There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy. Stop looking for reasons to be unhappy. Focus on the things you have and the reasons you should be happy. Because in the end we only regret the chances we didn't take. 

Rabu, 23 November 2016

Perfect in the Imperfections

I am not what I have done. I am what I have overcome. I need not explain why I do what I do now. I need not answer the calls from the past as it has nothing new to say and I have nothing to tell. They were ancient and broken inrecyclable pieces. I've wasted my life long enough; coping and tolerating those episodes. I'm done with my part, my duties and my responsibilities. My attention and my whole life. 

Looking back,  times were difficult but I had managed to sacrifice almost everything for them - money, time and  energy, nothing less for them. I did not want to make them feel inadequate. They were my sole focus. I threw myself into this responsibility, to the point that I had become unaware of the fact that I need to spend time for myself too. Time passed and life gradually became easier for me. But it's like waiting around for something you know might never happen. Yet you know that it's harder to face the fact that all this while, a change is what you have wanted for a long time. 

Now it's time for me to think of myself. It won't be too late, I suppose. I need a change of environment, a breather; so that my senses would be kept alive. These past years have not dulled my senses, but this monotony is killing me, I could feel it.  I have almost grown morbid, I have not lost my will power, but I crave to get away from it all; from this monotony. I really feel that the time has come for me to do something for myself. Yes, it's about time.

I might have fallen in love with the most wrong person, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons,  but people who never walk in my shoes will never understand my reasons, not even me, myself. I need not explain myself unless there is a critical need.  There comes a time when I have to be stoic and stubborn, all for my own good reasons. I don't blame them for their judgement, they could do no harm to me except gap and wonder. I just have to bear in my mind that I am the only one who will shoulder the consequences for the choices I make, not them. And at the end of the day, I am a good person. I am not perfect by any means but my intentions are good, my heart is pure and I love hard with everything I have got and because of those things, I am worth it.
He has conquered my heart and he has made me think only of him. But he is so unreachable. I will be cursed to have him loved me.  There were moments that I thought of us eloping to the land of the Never Never.  It did cross my mind that we should throw caution to the winds,  that for one moment in timeless Land of The Never Never, that we would irrevocably discard all the rules that were meant to be broken and run away together to some secret hiding place so that we might realise our dreams and taste, yet the tears of joy upon our tongues. That would be the happiest moment in our lives. We were meant to make our dreams happen but might we be daring enough to take up the challenge of our own follies? Our promises were not meant to be broken but dare we go against our own vows? O God, have mercy!  I'm suffocating.

Sabtu, 19 November 2016

Unbreak My Heart

I have to be pleased and give in to whatever I gain and come into and that I should not be possessive. There were no vows, promises nor oaths to whatever,  and that I should not bargain for more than just what I was designated. Make no move and just let the nature takes its course. I should know my limits and boundaries and that being grateful is what I should be. Yes, of course I am extremely indebted and thankful for the good turns. I thank you for the little chats and concerns. I really treasured and valued those little whiles. 

However, the truth is some people they don't love us. They don't even care about us. They just want to stay connected. So they do the minimal. A little phone call here and there, just checking on us. What they are really doing is maintaining the connection so when they need you or want you, they still have a  way in.  But bear in mind that every time you take her for granted, you're just teaching her how to live without you. Be careful how far you push her away, coz she could end up liking it there.

Sometimes walking away is the only option. Not because you want to make someone miss you or realize they took you for granted, but because you finally respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better.  When your absence doesn't alter their life, then your presence has no meaning in it. Don't trust everything you see... even salt looks like sugar.
I know I'm not perfect. Not compatible and was so wrong to get attached to anyone. Worst still, if you fall with the wrong person, for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time.  You know you never plan to get trapped in this game but when you said you love someone, you really mean it and will do anything to keep it. You're faithful and you're loyal.  All you wanted was an effort to show the part to let you know that you're wanted and not just being taken for granted. If you couldn't do it, that's when it became 'The End".

Isnin, 14 November 2016

My Tango

We chatted and expressed our feelings and ideas now, more often than not, and that he left me less lonely and gloomy. I could go through my day- to-day routines and habits in good spirits and moods.  In the evenings, I went out loitering at my chosen spots, but it is not too frequent now. My most-liked place is the mini cafe at the east entrance of the Aeon Mall. I accommodated myself on the usual best favoured stool at the long wooden bench, either scrolling and surfing the net or just taking out my notebook which I always have with me in my bag, and wrote something, whatever crossed my mind, like the one I'm writing now.
I was accustomed to the female cafe barristers  and that they often gave me polite words as a sign of welcome and recognition the moment they saw me advancing towards them.
"Welcome again, Madam" they greeted and grinned like a Cheshire cat. I ordered a cup of coffee as usual and just before I entered the corner, I bought myself a piece of fresh baked croissant at the bakery next to it. I liked this spot as it was not packed or full to bursting and was allocated with a little privacy, just nice for a tete-a-tete and lepakking. I lingered and lodged there for as long as I desired. 
Having seated comfortably , I began to jot down. He was always there in my mind and heart, never a second he wasn't there. He was my inspiration, my vision. People may wonder and marvel what had made me ever so damn hounded and taken over by this name.  I would say nothing. Because it is my essence, my personality!
When I love or like someone, nothing or no one could say about that, which would affect the opinions of what I hold in. Once I have made up my mind, I am fixed in my opinions, thoughts and beliefs,  worry not about rumours, naysayers or poison pens.  I trust my instincts and give great attention to details, planning and imagining my future while thoroughly enjoying the mindfulness of the present. Of course I do love to be courted, pursued and wooed like the others. As long as one take good care of me, I will take good care of one. I maybe slow in making a decision but once I am firmed and it will be difficult to change the path I have chosen.
I love to enjoy music and I have the ability to sometimes tune-in to my partner's needs, wishes and moment's desires.
I'm rather quiet but easy going. I respond extremely well to anyone who can capture my heart and make me feel secure and comfortable and he happens to have that kind of know-how. It may take quite sometime before I open up and blossom with sex, but the wait is worth it, especially when I am deeply in love - what I do, I do well, really well and I got better with time. I could be boasting a bit.
I can become possessive in love without a little deep heartfelt communication. I like to share feelings and I expect a lot from my partner - communication will be important to me throughout the relationship. I may be a bit demanding, perhaps try to share the thoughts, ideas and needs with me. I find value in communication. Frankly I am extremely generous. If there is something that he needs, and he let me know, I will bend over backwards to make it happen. I don't get angry easily, but when I do, I just become silent and cold, giving you the subtle hints at first, and then when the right moment comes, I will erupt like a volcano spewing hot rage and you will never want to be in my line of fire. And that only happens at desperate measures once in a blue moon, sometimes never at all.
I find him a compatible partner. He draws me out of my shell emotionally. The chemistry between him and me is strong, making an exceptionally satisfying. We might be slow to get things going and that we were once close to breaking off,  but our relationship develops, and we expect a long and happy connection together. We both don't know how long this attachment and coupling would last but all we know is that there is a great bond and correspondence between both of us and that we would like to keep it this way as long as it takes. When the time comes for us to let go, we will accept the fact that our roads taken have finally come to a dead end. Hopefully it would not happen so soon and painfully. ❤

Selasa, 8 November 2016

The Fog

It is a matter of time and no big deal. Nothing is stopping her. All is left is to hold her horses, and sit tight for the lay out hour. She has just have to pack her bags, grib the tickets and chao!  As easy as ABC. He would be there to greet and welcome her. There should be no hassle or displaying unnecessary commotion about it and no big fuss! Verily, she herself is overwhelmed by the whole thing.

She inhales deeply and puffs out all the air out of her lungs.  Deep inside her, she is having this little hunch of uneasiness and restless in her bones.  There is something else that is weighing her down. When it flashes into her conscience, pretty damn quick and at once she becomes undecided and in the balance.

She is convinced and firmed that she would not be given a red carpet welcome and a heartening embrace or appreciation.  She is a divergent, dissimilar and poles apart in the real world, in realism. and that he would be taken aback and dissapointed when they meet. He would not be able to entertain her as he should. Then what would happen next? Surely it would be a long and horrible position - a hell for both of them especially she. The ambarassment, the humiliation and discomfort would be unbearable and intolerable.

As for now she isn't sure what was his judgement and expectations upon her. She couldn't tell.  She is too afraid to ask. He never ever discloses a hint. He is young and good looking; a total contrast to her. How would he react after knowing the truth when she appears personally? Taking another deep breath, she is left speechless, shouldering the unanswered wonders. As the time is ticking, she has not reached her verdict.

Ahad, 6 November 2016

Body, Heart and Soul...

What is this between them?  They don’t know. But this is their night. They are safe there. She had been dreaming and wanting to touch this strong, hard, man’s body with her fingers. Now that she could and she made the most of her opportunity. She was like in a million miles away from reality. That night was their first night together. The night when every authenticity would be revealed, be brought to light. For the first time she would let him ogle her whole being for real. He would see for himself what she is and how she really looked like for certain. A desire and need that went well beyond her knowledge was building up inside her.  One spark of encouragement from him and she would be full of burn.

He held still while she explored him. He let her unbuttoned him. His body warm and smelled good. She ran her finger tips on his face and neck, chest and a hardened nipple. His moan of delight told her she has only pleasured him. She saw his chest once on images he sent her when he detected a yellow circle of discoloration on both his chest and that he was psychologically disturbed by it.  She recalled gazing at those images for days and she was counting the moments to sleep on it. He did not push her away and she continued to explore the shape of his chest with her lips. She took a deep breath, the movement raising.

He took her hand and led her to the bed. He helped her undress, as she did to him too, and she was all bare and naked. She felt a gush of cold shivers as he examined her contours with his manly fingers. Her breasts swelling as he suckled them lovingly. An odd, heated tingling starting deep within the most secret part of herself. Her breath was hard and fast. The pleasure was so intense she fell, backward onto the mattress. He followed as she lay naked beneath him. Wrapping herself around his body, she gave in to the intensity.

She wanted him to know every part of her body and soul. He learned her contours with his hands and his mouth against her skin as he made her writhe with wonderful sensations. Her hands fluttered over his bare back. She halted at the waistband of his trousers. He stopped for a moment and unzipped his pants and returned to her, he was as naked as she. Her hands brushed his hardness and his breath hissed through his teeth. He was so swollen.

‘Touch me,’ he murmured. So she did. She touched him gently and he was swollen hard. When he suckled her breast, her entire body went rigid, falling apart in his arms as he stroked her and kissed her. He raised his body over hers, and probed at her throbbing passage. Her body arched, accepting him, wanting him even deeper, to be as close to him as possible. How many nights had she dreamed of this? She had lost count.  She opened for him. He slid inside and they became one. His body surged forward moving in and out of hers, faster and faster. Arms and legs wrapped around him securely, she gave herself over to the delicious feelings only this man could create inside her.  Soon she'd have to think about consequences and the future. But not now.  Right now all she wanted was to feel and to appreciate.

He pushed into her more deeply, held very still, and a surge and pulse inside made her cry out as her own release washed over her. She closed her eyes and let the earth and its problems fall away.  She was panting and glistering in the arms of her one and only lover. Everything was perfection. Never in a thousand years would she have thought she would be in his arms like this. There had been a lot of questions she wanted to know about him but she had told him very little about herself either. What was going on in that handsome head of his? She did not know how long they lay there, one body, one heart and soul. One name. She never wanted to let him go. He moved away, pulling her close and wrapping himself about her. Then with the steady, soothing sound of his breath at her ear, she fell asleep holding his hand.

Those nights had been all heat, no awkwardness, and full of spectacular pleasure beyond her knowledge. This man, Uzarseef, continued to awe and fascinate her.

Sabtu, 5 November 2016

The Myth of Candour

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Honestly I don’t have the confidence. I don’t really have the trust either. What I justly am very definite is my emotional state. I adored this one name very deeply – simply untainted love and nothing else in between, no whys and wherefores of any kind, only man-to-man and without beating about the bush. And that I did not even design to be in this circumstance either. I fell for him instantaneously for what he is as a mortal.
Not once had I confronted with this person and I could tally the number of whiles we ever chatted. I could certainly not get his face mask expressions to ascertain whether his language was the truth or a simple white lie. I just loved him bluntly and genuinely from the bottom of my heart. 
I never ever undisclosed of how I sensed, what I reflected and what I expected from him. It had never been a tall tale. And he was responsive to it. Never once as I recalled, he turned his back on me or ever he articulated despising me and that I was only building castles in the air. It had been many full-moons since we've been hot and heavy. He gave me the impression that he was in this game, so I took it for granted that he did have some likings and fondness upon me and that I allegedly accepted it as not a one-sided affair which made me kept clinging to him until now, even though many times I was caught in between a tale and a truth. I was obsessed, so lustful and erotic that I could not afford to let him unattached, denying my own waking senses. I am a stubborn person. Being stubborn really just means I am unwilling to compromise on the things I find important to me. When I care for someone, I am dedicated to them and I may treat them a bit like my prized possession- my lucky romantic partner. I will standby for them forever. I am sensitive but I never hold grudges.
I am a similarity to this nice line said by a broken heart, ‘Please don’t come one more time in front of me, otherwise I’ll trust you again…’  I’m much too honest and forgiving and merciful to people I care. How could I not be?  It is my sweet-natured - my persona and uniqueness and that quite often and many times in my life, people took advantage of my oddity.
I have always had this feeling of surprise mingling in my mind that, why some people they were not heroic enough to express and uncloak their truth. Keeping or telling one’s true hunch and stance is either way, painful and throbbing,  but it is better to kill it in one shot then to murder someone in slow death. Be bold and speak up the truth. Stop masquerading!

Jumaat, 4 November 2016

The Sensuous Encounter

It was all in her imaginations. All that she wanted to do to him when they met. She still couldn’t believe she had actually come to him. She was having a hard time falling asleep the night before the big day. She would take the midday flight from her hometown to the capital city before boarding the next airship heading west. She was counting every tick of the seconds throughout the five-hour journey.

Expecting he gave her the astonished look, she was thrilled it had the opposite effect. He smiled briefly, walking through the crowds towards her. Breathless, her heart thudding against her chest. She watched his long strides take him swiftly towards her.  The expression on his face made her suddenly uncertain. He had seemed like such a gentleman. Had she misjudged him? Inhaling deeply to gain her confidence, she dragged her half-full suitcase, and quickened her pace towards him. She was filled with nervousness and doubts. But she brave herself and acted that she was just okay. Their eyes met and he threw her a smile - the prettiest smile she had ever seen. He was tall, with a pair of gorgeous eyes and the stare was so intense and there’s a little bit of devil in those eyes. Chest tight with emotions and feelings she could barely comprehend. Her heart fluttered so hard that she felt it could burst and stop beating.

‘Hi… !’  his familiar hoarse voice broke the ice, while he held out his hand for a shake. She gave a soft reply she knew he barely heard. Her breath hitched at the explosion of feeling and thought thrumming through her. He looked so dominant, so beautiful, like he was created specifically for seduction. Holding out her hand to accept the shake and that their skins touched for the first time. Blood gushing through her veins giving her the uneasy sense of tremendous desires. It felt as if all the air had been suddenly sucked out of her chest. 
She felt a rush of heat climbed her neck and bathed her cheeks, and she paused a while, overcome by the fluttery feeling in her stomach. She pulled him closer and hugged him so tightly , her arms wrapped around his body for a second, 'This is me...Please don't hate me.. ' and she tilted her head to look up at him and gave him a deep kiss on his cheeks. She was aware that he could sense the pounding of her heart on his chest. He was warm and human after all.  Her lips trembled for a second before she finally put on a smile. Words failed her and she was speechless. She shivered, surprised and ashamed at the way her body reacted to him. But her mind battled between what was right and what felt wonderful.
Once they had gotten over their awkwardness, helping her with the luggage bag, he ushered her out of the crowded hall and hailed a taxi to take her to their love nest. 

The Verdict

It was gloomy and dull the whole morning. The sun was hidden behind the cloudy grey streaks for days. Rain was coming. The drenching that had been threatening for days was finally on its way. And the humidity would be a thousand times worse. The overflow is raiding the low-lying regions very soon. The tapping sounds of the raindrops played their part as a warning sign that the once a year bucketing was coming and that she had to be well-prepared to face the unvarying disaster.
She woke up as usual but it was cold and damp so she skipped her morning bath today which she hardly ever missed.  After undertaking her daily mission of  a bit of this and that, she brewed some coffee and buttered two slices of Gardenia bread with a little honey she bought a few days ago. A small bottle of pure, bitter sweet imported produce that cost her a fortune. Usually she stormed off to the coffee stall a stone’s throw away for her morning bite but today the grey sky and the dreary climate made her want to just have a homemade brunette and dough.
She laid her eyes on the piles of papers on the table on her left, as she walked into the living area. The scripts were left untouched for days. She made an effort to mark at the most five scripts and shortly after that she halted as she had lost her temper. She left them scattered all over her writing desk. Whenever they caught her eyes or crossed her mind, she just passed over, took a deep breath and meandered away. She had lost her frame of mind and the clock was ticking. The due date was the coming week, but she was optimistic that she could make it on time. She had always have the habit of pushing herself to carry out tasks at the nick of time. 
By some means she was sensible that currently she has lost concentration and attentiveness around her. She appeared to be pensive and preoccupied. She spent most of her time questioning her own reasonableness and wisdom. She was about to take an immense deed in her life and that was what fretting her. She had made all the crucial safety measures and groundings but deep inside her hidden mind, she was still ambiguous. She spent hours ogling and gazing at 'the woman in question' in the mirror demanding to look for answers to her indecisions and hesitancies, cross-examining 'this woman' with numerous secretive interrogations. ‘Am I doing the right thing?’  This was the habitual one-sided request harassing her humanity day and night. Her soul was screaming to let her go but there was a war going on between her mind and her heart which spoke different languages. The Mind, The Heart and The Soul were fighting for determinations at their peak and  it was granted that the concluding decision would only be confirmed a week before the launch of the airship at 1900 hours on the Fifth Day of the Aquarius Zodiac Date of Birth. And that she had to hold her fire and throw cautions to the wind.

Khamis, 3 November 2016

Torrentials In Paradise

It was continuously raining the whole week that November. The drains overflowed within an hour. She was all by herself and she was in a hot stew, anxious and uneasy. Looking outside once in every hour to watch for the rising water levels. But when the torrents quiet down, the water seemed to subside. She recalled some locals had confidently informed her that from their past experience, the water was not too high and that the residents in the housing area would not have to decamp their homes. But still she was troubled. The rain kept pouring heavily into the silent night. 

She was startled and awaken by the beeping of her phone.  It was 3 in the morning,  she picked up the call and a concerned male voice was heard on the line.  He was the neighbour alerting her of the rising water. She jumped out of bed and rushed out of the room to the main door.  Quickly unlocking the door, she was staggered at the sight of the rain water. It had risen to more than two feet and had submerged the car tyres. Grabbing the  car keys without hesistation, she jumped down the steps and started on the engine and reversed out of the gate in the deep water and cornered left, taking a short-cut route through a narrow path that led to the main road. She couldn't imagine how she had driven the vehicle out of the flooded area alone in the darkest of night with the rain pouring heavily followed by flashes of lightning and clappings of deafening thunders breaking the silence of the twilight. There was water everywhere. She chanted all the way out, reciting whatever quranic verses that came across her mind. The engine almost stopped and the headlights went dim suddenly, as the path she took was also full of water and was much deeper as she drove on. However she managed to get through unharmed.

As she had safely parked the car at the side of the main road on the higher ground, she had to walk back to the house wading in the water through the black night, guided only by the flashes of lightning. She was totally drenched in her pyjamas.  She didn't even think of taking with her the raincoat and the torchlight in the kitchen drawer. She could only think of saving the car before the water rose even higher and submerging the engine. That would be a total lost. Never had she thought she would go through this in her life.  It was indeed an unforgettable experience in her existence. 

She was dumbstruck and lost for words. She had nothing to say to herself. She went numbed and blanked. She didn't even want to think of being regretful for her carelessness and that she had overlooked the physical features of the land site before she bought the house. Lamenting it was then useless. She had to live with it. 

Cleaning herself up in the washroom and suddenly teardrops went drizzling down her cheeks unnoticed. She just let it flow as much as the shower fell onto her cold shivering body. Later she snuggled quietly into her warm blanket with an empty mind, forcing herself to sleep for a few hours before morning came. Outside, the pours never stopped, the lightning kept flashing, the rumblings of angry thunders roared endlessly. She fell in deep slumber with tears that never want to stop pouring either. 

Rabu, 2 November 2016

Rhythm of The Falling Rain

It is November now and the monsoon season is on its journey. The North-East monsoon winds are now blowing towards the Peninsula Malaysia, bringing along its heavy rains and thunderstorms to the east coast regions. The days are gloomy and dull.  Afternoons are dark and windy and rain falls almost every night. The air is frequently wet and damp. My emotions seemed to be saddened by the climate.
Before I moved to Taman Lagenda Paradise, as the name given to this neighborhood, I was never watchful on the meteorological condition this much as of now. My previous home was on a higher ground so nothing gave us a hoot or badgering us as we were unaltered by the monsoon torrents. Instead we were always looking forward to the rainy season as it was fun watching the muddy river water swiftly overflowing and running down towards the estuaries. The village folks and children flocked together at the river bank gaping at the high water scenery. It was like more of an annual fiesta than a catastrophe to them. Even the typically affected victims were not dismayed by the occurrence although they had to evacuate and decamped from their homes to the relief centres.
Now that my recent home laid on a low-lying zone,  the wet season became a disturbance to me. When I first came to look over for the house on sale,  I had overlooked the topography of this quarter. It was when I came for a return visit to check out the construction progress that I became aware of the fact that it was in a flood zone. It was during the rainy month of November, when I came for inspection, I picked out that there was water all around. I was taken by surprise.  I had made a big bad judgement. I could only blame no one but myself for I had no reference at that time before making the commitment on the house purchase.  I was in a very crucial position and that I had only myself to rely on. And there was nothing I could do about it any longer as I had signed the agreement papers and the loans had already on its way of approval. There was no fallbacks but to look at the positive side - the cost was reasonable and affordable.
It was just a small 1300 square feet brick house, with four rooms, a kitchen,  a dining corner and a perfect living space. The compound was broad and the backyard was spacious too, just perfect for a little gardening patch. But so far I had not grown any herbs or veggies as I was not a green finger. I had only two pine trees planted in the compound. The lawn was left for the grass to grow and later mowed neatly. I liked better the landscape that way - green and simple.  I had a craze on birdhouses that I persuaded a friend teacher, to build me a small birdhouse to be anchored in my lawn. At first it was to woo small wild birds from the bushes nearby but was left uninhabitable till now. It then served as an only outdoor decor. It looked satisfying to me though - a bit of an English style I joked
I did a little renovation to the smallest room next to the kitchen to give way for more space for the dining table as the kitchen place was too mini and cramped. The supposed-to-be dining area was turned into a family section where I watched television or for afternoon naps precinct, also just perfect for a 3-seater sofa, a 6x4-feet carpet and a 42-inches Panasonic LCD.

I liked IKEA products so much that every time I went to the capital,  I never missed spending my time at the IKEA showroom in Damansara and that I bought a set of shelving units for the TV area. I filled the shelves with white baskets filled with story books which I owned lots of them. I was crazy over story books since I was a school girl and that I had piles of them in store. Most of the interior decorations were from IKEA- frames, watches and other tiny decorative items.  I recalled I had to pay a charge of RM400 just to take home two wooden birch shelves on a flight which doubled the price of the items themselves! Then later on, I found a more convenient way of transporting those products to Kota Bharu through the KTM train courier service.  I saved a lot.
I decorated my little home in the English countryhome style and that some of my friends said I was a little bit of a western orientated. The frames on my walls had pictures and images which looked western - cabins, meadows, autumn scenery, lighthouses and birdhouses. I did not favour displaying glassware and ornaments in big thick-glassed cupboards as most Malay houses do. I liked to display books as my wall decorations. I used to buy imported magazines on house decorating and that I noticed these Westerners had galleries of books on their walls and they looked like a small library - so studios and colorful.  It gave an aura of intelligently professional look and inviting. I became aware that if you went into a room full of books, even without taking them from the shelves they seemed to speak to you, to bid you welcome. Hence, I'd rather choose to exhibit my collections of novels on my walls to greet and welcome the guests into my cottage.
It was cloudy and raining outside. I spent most of my time indoors during the wet season,  drinking coffee, eating snacks and watching movies.  And now that my passion on writing had come back,  I wrote for a couple of hours before my ideas drained out.  I could only write when I had a situation or when I was a bit dull and emotional. I had not written anything for a couple of days now as I had to focus on marking the scripts.  I had been slowing down in the process as my mind seemed to be drifting away to nowhere plus the dowry weather outside which made me dreamy and unfocused.  I had dozens of unmarked scripts and  I planned to deal with them at the eleventh hour. I had ample time and that did not brood me at all.
I missed someone faraway really. I was expecting too much from him and that I sometimes felt being ousted and abandoned which was untrue I supposed. " Not yet. Not too soon.....at least after those modus vivendi". As I reassured myself all the time. Our rendezvous was not until late January and the time seemed to move at a snail's pace.  I was tired of waiting. I felt quite stressful and so much anxieties and that I had a mild headache quite often. I should have a lot of rest and not to overthink, the doctor at the 1Malaysia Clinic told me when I dropped by for a check-up. I took her advice seriously and that I should be watchful with my diet and lifestyle.  I was aware that a few months lately I was emotionally disturbed but I am in one good piece now and that I am grateful to Allah The Merciful, The Compassionate. Please spare me a little more time.  I have someone I want to make an acquaintance of before my days are over.
Grant me O Allah. Ameen. πŸ˜”πŸ˜”