Journey To The Land of the Moghuls (Part 4)

It was stressful for this was my first time at a foreign airport. I checked the departure monitors to see where my check in counter was coming at the terminal. I stared at the huge screen but there was no information about the D7183 flight to Kuala Lumpur.I approached the desk help officer and I was informed that the check in counter for my departure would be at Counter J and would not be operating until 8.00 pm. I glanced at my wrist watch. It was only 4.00 pm. Oh God! What would I do during this four hours? I began to feel missing him.

We didn't get to say goodbye in a proper gesture as it was a bit hectic. I was left unaided and all of a sudden I felt a little emotional. I felt so lost and distant. I wanted to listen to his voice for the last time that I made a call saying that I was scared and I regretted for not having the opportunity to utter something to him before we parted. He was gone and I doubted I could ever see him again. I wondered if he would any longer want to keep me in touch. It's weird how people go from being strangers to being friends, to being more than friends, and later, to being practically strangers again. And it all happened so fast. I felt empty inside, as if nothing really matters anymore and no one really cares about me. I found myself in a strange place full of people, drowned in a sea of strangers. Panic filled me. I felt like I would die in the box. I chose a seat at a corner, sitting alone there clutching myself for comfort.

Crying was not a weakness, nor did it mean I was unhappy. At least that was what I tried to tell myself. I found the tears welling up and streaming down my face as I sat there at the corner. I had no explanation for how terrible I was. It made no sense to me at all. My throat tighten, my heart ached, my lips pursed, and my eyes stung with tears  I couldn't even say goodbye to him. It hurt me deeply. But he was just a friend... not my lover....my friend. He didn't even love me either. How could he laid eyes on a person such as I - so plain, aged and a mere simpleton? It's absurb! I tried to rationalize my senses. But I've grown attached to him. He was a fabulous, mature companion who made me laugh and I was oozing pride that he was so bright, funny and strong. But that didn't explain the tears and the deep rooted sorrow I felt. Why did being alone again make me so deeply sad and emotional? It must be something to do with ending chapters in my life. I travelled with someone I considered it another chapter in my life. A definite moment that I would recall one day during the last syllables of my recorded time. I must be terrified to start the next chapter which could be the last. Maybe it was frustration. I know just how hard it was to be on my own, it was hard to work, to do everything for yourself, no one to lean on or draw good vibes from. So maybe I was simply sad about being back on my own and having to adjust to do everything on my own again. Maybe I missed the security of having someone around me. Maybe I felt vulnerable and exposed being on my own again. Or could be deep down I was lonely and I was dying to find someone I could spend my life and experiences with. Whatever the reason, it made me reflect that was simply what my heart and mind was looking for.

After about an hour of sorrow, I pushed it back. Wiped my eyes, quiet my mind, and pushed it to the back again. I should go now. I should not put high expectations upon him. He was just passing through my path and it was not meant to stay in my life. However sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything or to do anything in particular, but just to let us feel that we are cared for and supported. And sometimes the advice we tell other people is the advice we need to follow.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down as the sobs began to recede. It was okay if I was not his favorite chapter he has written, but I hoped he sometimes smile when he flipped back to the pages where I was still a part of. I might not see him or talk to him again everyday but I will always think of him and love him everyday because if you really love that person, learn to wait. Maybe we were not meant to be together today but are meant to be in the future. Loving him was a sacrifice. I gave him the power to destroy me, and that was exactly what he did. But my heart won't let him out of my mind. How could I? With such romantic eyes, he got me hypnotized. And if I had my chance, I'd never let him go. Because when you loved someone and had to let them go, there will always be that small part of yourself that whispers, "What was it that you wanted and why didn't you fight for it?".

Journey To The Land of the Moghuls (Part 5)

I waited for the 'J' counter to start operating and I was the first to come to the desk to register myself. "The 'G' Gate is quite far, so please check in early," the airline officer gave me a cue. I nodded and directed myself to the depature entrance straight away. Having checked upon my passport and boarding pass, I dragged my feet lifelessly heading towards the G-Gate, creeping through the overcrowded lanes. I guessed it took me almost an hour  to finally end my walking.

I was so dead tired, dehydrated  and famished. I actually bought myself a cup of coffee and a cupcake earlier at the kiosk while waiting for the check-in counter to start operating,  but I lost my appetite to even finish my coffee or have a bite. I offered my cupcake to a guy from a 'tabligh' group whom I took a chance and greeted him as I believed he was a Malay looking from his features. I bravely asked him about his flight depature in case he would be departing on the same flight as mine. He was heading to KL too but unfortunately on a different airlines. Later when he saw me seated, he came and sat next to me and we chatted. He introduced himself as Hj Zulkifli, from Medan, Indonesia. I offered him my share as he was sipping a cup of coffee.  Furthermore, I bought the bun only to get some small change to make a call from a public phone I spotted at the far corner of the airport. I wanted to say a lot of things but when the voice echoed on the line, I went numbed and lost of words. " I am scared," I recalled I said.

My legs and limb almost could not support my body anymore when I finally reached the G-Gate Entrance. I plunged myself instantly on the steel bench and put my head down until someone alerted and tapped me on my knees as it was time to catch my plane home and leave this wonderful land. Adios amigo!

The next five-hour journey home was the longest flight I had ever taken. I was extremely worn out mentally and physically. Fortunately the seat next to me was unoccupied so I had more space and I slept like a log throughout the night.  I couldn't afford to wipe off my tears anymore as I just let it flow as much as it wanted before I dozed off.  I missed him so terribly. I have a lot to say and my soul was screaming loud. I left my heart in the Land of the Moghuls and that I was certain I would really die of heartache.  It was the greatest torture I could ever do to my heart. Having to let him go at the time I was loving him the most. It was the thought of not seeing him again that hurts,really, not the sight of him leaving. Our time together was just never quite enough. I miss  his smile, his touch, his voice, his closeness....his everything. I wanted to see him again.  I was already counting the minutes the moment I turned my head to have my last glance of him that last afternoon. " Will I get to hear from him again?" I wouldn't know.