Keeper of My Soul, Holder of My Heart

Keeper of My Soul, Holder of My Heart

I have a lot of things in my brain  that I set my heart on and to put them down into words but I do not know where to get down to. As I have conveyed, I could only write when I'm emotional and temperamental. But now and then I am doing fine and at last have my feet on the ground emotionally and mentally after the long journey - after that wonderful encounter.

Everything is about this eye-popping personality. He fills all the voids in my heart and soul and I am conscious of the fact that he has become a part of my life. I couldn't bear the expense of losing him. I move heaven and earth to find a way to forget him but I couldn't. He's been there deep- rooted inside my soul and I could possibly be out of breath in the absence of him. He is a nice character - putting up with me without interference and never let me down to any of my foolish requests even though there are times when he is rather punishing. However, I never felt it as an insult . He is much easier and closer than ever now.  Not a day since we parted last winter that we do not get in touch which I'm most grateful.  I am going through more comfortably attached to  him and I am now brave enough to text him first  or to butt in on his silence as he  reciprocates to my messages and does not leave me unheeded.

I get to watch him breathing and well on video calls quite often. Sometimes I felt pity on him for I occasionally put him on tests and pressures with my foolishness  whenever I felt insecure. He would rush home from campus and called me to clear things up. I believed he could sense things are not going right with me through my posts and writings where I often spill out my thoughts, my strength and warmth of emotions. 

I like writing down the scenes in my mind because it is a lot like ignoring. There are images and scars on my mind that keep on playing and repeating, and the only way for me to purge them,  erase them, pacify them, and let them go is by writing them out especially when I came across his statuses and posts where he often gave his 'likes' to images of young females on the instagram. I went haywired! I began to have negative thoughts and feelings, some sort of being betrayed which is absurd and pointless. I am jealous of everyone who gets to see him everyday whilst I am far away and untouchable. It is a torturing kind of long distance love where you need a strong faith and trust to endure the agony of feeling missing. 

When I am alone I have thousands of things to tell him but the moment he is there, I went speechless and my common lie is "I'm fine".  Because with one look of his image on my phone, with the sound of his voice echoed on the line,  was just enough to clear up my mind. Every pain, hurt, agony and misery vanished into thin air, melted away like ice on fire the moment he appears. And he would willingly do silly things  I request just to make me happy because I believe he understands how much I love him. I am a happy,  contented person when I'm with him. It seems like I would sacrifice anything for him.  I know I may not be able to fix his every problem but I can promise he won't face them all alone.  I want to see him walk the world proudly even if from the distance.

He  is my favorite everything - my favorite pair of eyes to look into. My favorite name to see appear on my phone screen. My favorite guy with whom I want to spend my afternoon. I wish I could explain his eyes, and how the sound of his voice gives me butterflies. How his smile makes my heart skip a beat and how every time I'm with him I feel complete. And I have this kind of habit,  as soon as I wake up,  I check my phone, hoping there's a message from him.

After we met last January,  I doubted he would still want to hear anything from me and would just abandon and gave me up.  I was ready to face the consequences if he left me. I prepared myself long before I made that courageous decision to meet him. I thank God and I'm glad that we haven't lost each other. We still meet on the line till now. Every morning before he leaves for campus, he would leave me a message and it was just enough to make my day because it shows he is thinking about me and that could change my whole day, otherwise I would not be able to concentrate on what I was doing. He has become my strength and courage. He has helped me look forward to my everyday life cheerfully. 

There was one time when we were on a video call one afternoon. He looked tired and exhausted after the whole day at his department.   He barely able to utter words or open his eyes - only the hummings and short responses. We were in companiable silence, knowing each other's minds, having no need to talk.  He fell asleep on his pillow with the earphones on. I stared at his young strong face for as long as I wanted.  He was breathing softly.  He looked so gentlemanly innocent - a beautiful sight.  As I gazed at him deeply,  I wondered if I were there right then,  I would hold him gently, stroking his hair and loving him with anguish. I would want to cradle him in my arms like a baby a little longer, rock him a little more,  tell him another story a million more. Let him sleep on my shoulder and cherish his every smile. O God,  I  needed him even more. I wish to see him again and I am looking forward to that moment for one last time. Please hold on. 

An Epilogue

There was a great u-turn in my life when I lost something most precious in November seven years ago - my courage, my sacrifices and what  I lived for.  It was the most painful tragedy I had ever endured after a year of battling and struggling to resume a normal life with great hope and confidence. I could not help myself into grieving and mourning until I lost my voice and my eyes were swollen and that the doctor strongly advised me to stop weeping otherwise I would likely to lose my vision. It was months later before I could finally accept the fact that nothing in this world is immortal and forever there to exist in life.

Learning myself to lead the days as ordinary as possible, I carried out my routines at my new ambience where I was relocated a few months after I moved out to the present new home. Life gradually began to change to normalcy as I came to like my new environment. I found freedom being all by myself more exciting although there were times I missed my old days. I kept reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and that I should carry on with my life without it. Lamenting what was lost would only make my life more complicated. I had my privacy and I made my own decisions without misgivings and the feelings of doubt or second thoughts. More importantly I was satisfied with who I was then- independent, happier and financially stabled. At last I was the CE of my life!

Everything seemed perfect and without fault for seven long years ahead. Until one day in April 2016, I got myself clicked so easily to a hombre from beyond the sea. I thought I had enough sufferings and that enough was enough as I had built a strong wall of defence so high that I made certain no one could ever able to climb it over. However this one chap had managed to break my fortress as easy as falling off the log. I fell and drowned into his words of praise and appreciations. My life wàs swayed off course and I was trapped into the webs of uncertainty, hopelessness and expectations once again.  I lost all rationale and considerations and that I began to get inspired to write and spilled my heart out on the paper. I spent every hours, days and weeks  writing and pouring my despairing heart into my journal pages and blog. It was a horrible undescribable feeling when you need someone and that the reality was you couldn't have it. It was worst than facing death itself!

And after much brainstorming and deep thoughts, I realized I had to deal with this stumbling block that was hurdling me the whole year. I wanted to conclude 2016 with a brave act, an epilogue to this melancholy once and for all. No matter how the consequences would be, either I had to swim cross the oceans or soaring the endless blue skies, I had to come face to face with my nightmare - the General from the Cold Mountains!

Stairways To Heaven

The school break has just commenced. She was waiting for this moment to settle an important task. Right then she had no companionship to lend a helping hand, so she just undoubtly boarded a double-decker bus that Monday morning heading towards the metropolis. It was in conjunction with a public holiday and that the journey was rather slow-moving as the highways were heavy. It took her a lousy 12 hours of boring trip to finally reach the 400 km destination which usually could just be done in 6-7 hours. She chose to just travel by road, as air tickets were much too high for a 45-minute's fly especially during the holiday seasons like ths.

Two days earlier, it was so stressful for her. She spent hours, re-checking to confirm her online reservations. She went wild and crazy when it was stated 'cancelled' and 'expired' on the screen. How could it be when she was already given the confirmation the day she booked it months ago. She got panicked and that she took a drastic move. Booked another flight! Because a duplicate of the authorization must be attached when applying for the visa as evidence of the travel and that she couldn't afford to jeopardize the whole scheme after all. The first booking problem would be dealt later as all her calls were repeatedly unresponded. Only when the second booking was completely done that the agent issued a reply to all her enquiries. She should have her aviation bookings checked and confirmed with the airlines. Oh dear! She rushed to the airport to have this clarified otherwise it would be another long night for her. What a comfort when she was made clear that her air trip on the stated date and destination were valid and authenticated and that her double booking would be refunded and credited back into her account.

First thing the next morning, she headed to one of the agents authorized by the embassy to submit her application forms. She chose to deal with an agent in a small town nearby her vicinity to avoid the usual long queues at the main centre in the heart of the city. It took her only less than two hours before she was called up to the front desk to have her thumbs and finger prints taken and that the documents were ready to be picked up after three working days. Sighing a deep long breath, she drove off to get a nice breakfast of Roti Canai with curry dressing at a Mamak Restaurant, a 10-minute's drive away, feeling a lot relief and soothing.

However, there was something else that kept haunting her which was giving her the spooks and creeps. She was aware of the recent chaotic situation in the country she was going due to the demonetization of the 86% valuable currency in the country which has ttiggered a severe cash crunch. The country had run out of cash and the masses were taken by surprise overnight. She has been following news of how bad the situation that had befallen the nation. The populations were panicked stricken. Some had reached their limits of coping and lost insanity and that they even took desperate measures. There were reports of strings of death during long serpentine queues at the ATMs and banks, less not cases of dramatic suicides. In fact humanity in this part of the globe was at the edge.

And how could she still have the courage and intentions to let herself be in that tensed environment? She has been quizzing her senses and rationality since the November announcement. Wasn't it just like purposely indulging herself into a big trouble unecessarily? Having thought long enough, she had no choice but to just move forward with the scheme. This unexpected situation could not sway her off course and destroy her rendezvous. Someone was there to assist her and she trusted him more than anything else in the world, hence this well-planned voyage was going to be as scheduled and that the sailing was definite.

She knew if there's a will, there's a way.

Crossroads of Enchantment

Quite often these days she stood for hours looking at the person in the mirror. Ogling deeply at the image wondering how would the turns of event be when they met. Would she only injure her dignity and self respect of having such an unfitting intentin?

The person looking back at her in the mirror is now a stranger, so different and totally contrasting from whom she knew a few years back. The reflection seems to have changed a lot physically. She looks as though she has entirely lost hope and confidence of herself. She has lost the battle against nature. There is less enthusiasm in her face expression. Those eyes are now not focused and no longer sparkles. The stares showed years of sufferings and there are lines in her face and she looks ancient. She has bags under her eyes like bags of sand or cement, old and tired but sharp and fierce at the same time, giving the look of those that have shed tears of despair and hopelessness. The branded glass frame she wears could never conceal those eyes, which has grown dull and cloudy as she had seen too much sufferings. Yet her smiles and giggles remain sweet and exciting. People could not easily guess her genuine length of life as she is a small thing, and always stimulating and in good spirit. She looks like a sweet lady full of wisdom and wonderful, with exciting stories and experiences to share. At least that is what they say of her. 

All she could think of is, only him. If only she could be sure he would just forget about the pieces of her that she tries to cover up and accept the pieces that she thinks are unattractive, especially the ones she tries to hide,  she would not be at this point of no return, in this entanglement and puzzle. She wants him to want her for all that she is not,  for just the way she is for she will not let a man touch her unless he has completely touched her heart and soul, respects her and doesn't force her to compromise with her values and ethics. Could he be trusted to be just as one?

She's in the hour of decision, in such a dilemma. She wants to distance herself from him, but yet she doesn't want to lose him. She craves him in ways she can't articulate. She longs for his presence to wrap himself around her and flood her fears aside. 

Unbreak My Heart

I have to be pleased and give in to whatever I gain and come into and that I should not be possessive. There were no vows, promises nor oaths to whatever,  and that I should not bargain for more than just what I was designated. Make no move and just let the nature takes its course. I should know my limits and boundaries and that being grateful is what I should be. Yes, of course I am extremely indebted and thankful for the good turns. I thank you for the little chats and concerns. I really treasured and valued those little whiles. 

However, the truth is some people they don't love us. They don't even care about us. They just want to stay connected. So they do the minimal. A little phone call here and there, just checking on us. What they are really doing is maintaining the connection so when they need you or want you, they still have a  way in.  But bear in mind that every time you take her for granted, you're just teaching her how to live without you. Be careful how far you push her away, coz she could end up liking it there.

Sometimes walking away is the only option. Not because you want to make someone miss you or realize they took you for granted, but because you finally respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better.  When your absence doesn't alter their life, then your presence has no meaning in it. Don't trust everything you see... even salt looks like suar.
I know I'm not perfect. Not compatible and was so wrong to get attached to anyone. Worst still, if you fall with the wrong person, for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time.  You know you never plan to get trapped in this game but when you said you love someone, you really mean it and will do anything to keep it. You're faithful and you're loyal.  All you wanted was an effort to show the part to let you know that you're wanted and not just being taken for granted. If you couldn't do it, that's when it became 'The End".

My Tango

We chatted and expressed our feelings and ideas now, more often than not, and that he left me less lonely and gloomy. I could go through my day- to-day routines and habits in good spirits and moods.  In the evenings, I went out loitering at my chosen spots, but it is not too frequent now. My most-liked place is the mini cafe at the east entrance of the Aeon Mall. I accommodated myself on the usual best favoured stool at the long wooden bench, either scrolling and surfing the net or just taking out my notebook which I always have with me in my bag, and wrote something, whatever crossed my mind, like the one I'm writing now.

I was accustomed to the female cafe barristers  and that they often gave me polite words as a sign of welcome and recognition the moment they saw me advancing towards them.

"Welcome again, Madam" they greeted and grinned like a Cheshire cat. I ordered a cup of coffee as usual and just before I entered the corner, I bought myself a piece of fresh baked croissant at the bakery next to it. I liked this spot as it was not packed or full to bursting and was allocated with a little privacy, just nice for a tete-a-tete and lepakking. I lingered and lodged there for as long as I desired. 

Having seated comfortably , I began to jot down. He was always there in my mind and heart, never a second he wasn't there. He was my inspiration, my vision. People may wonder and marvel what had made me ever so damn hounded and taken over by this name.  I would say nothing. Because it is my essence, my personality!

When I love or like someone, nothing or no one could say about that, which would affect the opinions of what I hold in. Once I have made up my mind, I am fixed in my opinions, thoughts and beliefs,  worry not about rumours, naysayers or poison pens.  I trust my instincts and give great attention to details, planning and imagining my future while thoroughly enjoying the mindfulness of the present. Of course I do love to be courted, pursued and wooed like the others. As long as one take good care of me, I will take good care of one. I maybe slow in making a decision but once I am firmed and it will be difficult to change the path I have chosen.

I love to enjoy music and I have the ability to sometimes tune-in to my partner's needs, wishes and moment's desires.

I'm rather quiet but easy going. I respond extremely well to anyone who can capture my heart and make me feel secure and comfortable and he happens to have that kind of know-how. It may take quite sometime before I open up and blossom with sex, but the wait is worth it, especially when I am deeply in love - what I do, I do well, really well and I got better with time. I could be boasting a bit.

I can become possessive in love without a little deep heartfelt communication. I like to share feelings and I expect a lot from my partner - communication will be important to me throughout the relationship. I may be a bit demanding, perhaps try to share the thoughts, ideas and needs with me. I find value in communication. Frankly I am extremely generous. If there is something that he needs, and he let me know, I will bend over backwards to make it happen. I don't get angry easily, but when I do, I just become silent and cold, giving you the subtle hints at first, and then when the right moment comes, I will erupt like a volcano spewing hot rage and you will never want to be in my line of fire. And that only happens at desperate measures once in a blue moon, sometimes never at all.

I find him a compatible partner. He draws me out of my shell emotionally. The chemistry between him and me is strong, making an exceptionally satisfying. We might be slow to get things going and that we were once close to breaking off,  but our relationship develops, and we expect a long and happy connection together. We both don't know how long this attachment and coupling would last but all we know is that there is a great bond and correspondence between both of us and that we would like to keep it this way as long as it takes. When the time comes for us to let go, we will accept the fact that our roads taken have finally come to a dead end. Hopefully it would not happen so soon and painfully. ❤

The Myth of Candour

Honestly I don’t have the confidence. I don’t really have the trust either. What I justly am very definite is my emotional state. I adored this one name very deeply – simply untainted love and nothing else in between, no whys and wherefores of any kind, only man-to-man and without beating about the bush. And that I did not even design to be in this circumstance either. I fell for him instantaneously for what he is as a mortal.
Not once had I confronted with this person and I could tally the number of whiles we ever chatted. I could certainly not get his face mask expressions to ascertain whether his language was the truth or a simple white lie. I just loved him bluntly and genuinely from the bottom of my heart. 

I never ever undisclosed of how I sensed, what I reflected and what I expected from him. It had never been a tall tale. And he was responsive to it. Never once as I recalled, he turned his back on me or ever he articulated despising me and that I was only building castles in the air. It had been many full-moons since we've been hot and heavy. He gave me the impression that he was in this game, so I took it for granted that he did have some likings and fondness upon me and that I allegedly accepted it as not a one-sided affair which made me kept clinging to him until now, even though many times I was caught in between a tale and a truth. I was obsessed, so lustful and erotic that I could not afford to let him unattached, denying my own waking senses. I am a stubborn person. Being stubborn really just means I am unwilling to compromise on the things I find important to me. When I care for someone, I am dedicated to them and I may treat them a bit like my prized possession- my lucky romantic partner. I will standby for them forever. I am sensitive but I never hold grudges.

I am a similarity to this nice line said by a broken heart, ‘Please don’t come one more time in front of me, otherwise I’ll trust you again…’  I’m much too honest and forgiving and merciful to people I care. How could I not be?  It is my sweet-natured - my persona and uniqueness and that quite often and many times in my life, people took advantage of my oddity.

I have always had this feeling of surprise mingling in my mind that, why some people they were not heroic enough to express and uncloak their truth. Keeping or telling one’s true hunch and stance is either way, painful and throbbing,  but it is better to kill it in one shot then to murder someone in slow death. Be bold and speak up the truth. Stop masquerading!