Selasa, 7 Mac 2017

Journey To The Land of the Moghuls (Part 4)

It was stressful for this was my first time at a foreign airport. I checked the departure monitors to see where my check in counter was coming at the terminal. I stared at the huge screen but there was no information about the D7183 flight to Kuala Lumpur.I approached the desk help officer and I was informed that the check in counter for my departure would be at Counter J and would not be operating until 8.00 pm. I glanced at my wrist watch. It was only 4.00 pm. Oh God! What would I do during this four hours? I began to feel missing him.

We didn't get to say goodbye in a proper gesture as it was a bit hectic. I was left unaided and all of a sudden I felt a little emotional. I felt so lost and distant. I wanted to listen to his voice for the last time that I made a call saying that I was scared and I regretted for not having the opportunity to utter something to him before we parted. He was gone and I doubted I could ever see him again. I wondered if he would any longer want to keep me in touch. It's weird how people go from being strangers to being friends, to being more than friends, and later, to being practically strangers again. And it all happened so fast. I felt empty inside, as if nothing really matters anymore and no one really cares about me. I found myself in a strange place full of people, drowned in a sea of strangers. Panic filled me. I felt like I would die in the box. I chose a seat at a corner, sitting alone there clutching myself for comfort.

Crying was not a weakness, nor did it mean I was unhappy. At least that was what I tried to tell myself. I found the tears welling up and streaming down my face as I sat there at the corner. I had no explanation for how terrible I was. It made no sense to me at all. My throat tighten, my heart ached, my lips pursed, and my eyes stung with tears  I couldn't even say goodbye to him. It hurt me deeply. But he was just a friend... not my lover....my friend. He didn't even love me either. How could he laid eyes on a person such as I - so plain, aged and a mere simpleton? It's absurb! I tried to rationalize my senses. But I've grown attached to him. He was a fabulous, mature companion who made me laugh and I was oozing pride that he was so bright, funny and strong. But that didn't explain the tears and the deep rooted sorrow I felt. Why did being alone again make me so deeply sad and emotional? It must be something to do with ending chapters in my life. I travelled with someone I considered it another chapter in my life. A definite moment that I would recall one day during the last syllables of my recorded time. I must be terrified to start the next chapter which could be the last. Maybe it was frustration. I know just how hard it was to be on my own, it was hard to work, to do everything for yourself, no one to lean on or draw good vibes from. So maybe I was simply sad about being back on my own and having to adjust to do everything on my own again. Maybe I missed the security of having someone around me. Maybe I felt vulnerable and exposed being on my own again. Or could be deep down I was lonely and I was dying to find someone I could spend my life and experiences with. Whatever the reason, it made me reflect that was simply what my heart and mind was looking for.

After about an hour of sorrow, I pushed it back. Wiped my eyes, quiet my mind, and pushed it to the back again. I should go now. I should not put high expectations upon him. He was just passing through my path and it was not meant to stay in my life. However sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything or to do anything in particular, but just to let us feel that we are cared for and supported. And sometimes the advice we tell other people is the advice we need to follow.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down as the sobs began to recede. It was okay if I was not his favorite chapter he has written, but I hoped he sometimes smile when he flipped back to the pages where I was still a part of. I might not see him or talk to him again everyday but I will always think of him and love him everyday because if you really love that person, learn to wait. Maybe we were not meant to be together today but are meant to be in the future. Loving him was a sacrifice. I gave him the power to destroy me, and that was exactly what he did. But my heart won't let him out of my mind. How could I? With such romantic eyes, he got me hypnotized. And if I had my chance, I'd never let him go. Because when you loved someone and had to let them go, there will always be that small part of yourself that whispers, "What was it that you wanted and why didn't you fight for it?".




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